7 Common Stepparenting Mistakes – and How to Avoid Them

I remember early in our blending years my husband saying, “Our marriage would be great if we didn’t have kids.” I’ve heard other remarried couples echo a similar sentiment, “Our marriage isn’t the problem. The children are the problem.”

Of course we love our children, and our lives would not be as rich and fulfilling without them, but most issues in blended families can be traced back to challenges with the children. It’s very important to state that the problem is NOT the kids.The problem is how we manage our expectations, boundaries, roles, and relationships when it comes to parenting and stepparenting.

In this article, I’ll share some common mistakes stepparents make as they attempt to build relationships with their stepchildren. As new stepfamilies become aware of these common missteps, they can make more effective choices that will lead to stronger stepparent-stepchildren relationships.

1.      Holding Onto Unrealistic Stepparenting Expectations

Unrealistic expectations might be the common denominator across almost all blended families. And that’s understandable, if we’ve never tried to blend a family before, we likely don’t know what to expect! That’s why resources like this blog and talking to other stepfamily couples is so important.

While there are unique dynamics in every stepfamily, below is a list of some of the most common unrealistic stepparenting expectations:

• Stepchildren will automatically love us and want us to be a part of their lives.

You and your spouse developed a relationship with enough love that you decided to marry one another. That doesn’t mean your stepchildren have the same advantage. Their love will take more time, and the degree to which they want you to be a part of their lives will be determined by a multitude of factors – many of which are outside of your control.

• Stepchildren will accept us as a parent.

  
  

  As I discussed in The Role of a Stepparent, the authority necessary to fully claim a parental role is formed over time as trust, respect, and connection develops in the relationship you have with your stepchildren. It is also largely contingent upon how well that role is supported by both your stepchild’s biological parents. In some circumstances, while they may exert influence and form a loving bond, the stepparent never occupies a parental role.

• We’ll be equally close to every stepchild.

Friendships differ based on proximity, similar interests, stage of life, and the level of effort both parties put into the relationship. Likewise, stepparent-stepchild relationships can vary within the blended family.

I have six stepchildren from my husband’s two prior marriages. Because of various dynamics including age, stage of life, personalities, etc., I naturally developed a closer bond with some of my stepchildren than others. And those relationships have all waxed and waned over the past two decades.

While it is important to be kind to all of your stepchildren and leave the door open for a relationship to develop over time, don’t put undue pressure on yourself to force a closeness that doesn’t come right away. Relax and enjoy the relationships as they unfold. And allow grace for them to change over the years without panicking.

• We’ll love and treat all children the same.

While it is important for remarried couples to strive to create an equitable environment, where all family members are considered to be of equal value and receive the same privileges and benefits, parents have a bond with their own children that has yet to develop with their stepchildren. It is unrealistic to expect them to respond with the same level of affection, patience, or concern – especially immediately after the stepfamily forms.

• Expecting everything to flow from day 1…or day 365

Some experts say it takes 5-7 years for stepfamilies to get into a state of flow and to feel like a family. I asked my husband recently how long he thought it took us to blend as a family. I was met with a blank stare, a long pause, and then his response: “Are we there, yet?” Keep in mind we’ve been married for almost TWENTY years!

Just as it is normal for healthy marital relationships to ebb and flow over the years, the same is true for the stepfamily relationships. My advice – don’t worry about time frames. Let them go and instead focus on the long-term goals and celebrate the baby steps you’re taking every day to get there.

In all these expectations and more, we must grieve what we had hoped could be, or what we think should be - to make room for what is. We must accept things as they are to allow space for growth and change.

2.      Disciplining Before Building a Relationship

 The phrase “connect, then correct,” or “connection before correction,” is popular in child development regardless of family form. But the idea that a bond of trust, respect, and love must be in place before correction can be well received is especially critical in blended families.

When my husband and I were engaged, my children’s elementary school principal offered some advice. Having blended his family from the time he and his wife’s children were young, and now a seasoned grandfather, he said we would make many mistakes and be able to work through them, but one thing was more important than any other: “Don’t discipline one another’s children.”

Now, as a stepfamily life educator and coach, and having experienced the effects of ignoring this counsel firsthand, I emphatically agree. I have a post focused on how to navigate rules and discipline coming up, but for now, just take away one key point – attempting to discipline your stepchildren without a strong bond is rarely well received, and can cause unnecessary frustration and conflict for all involved.

3.      Competing with Your Stepchild’s Other Biological Parent

I wrote about this in How to Improve Relationships in LDS Blended Family: Part 2 but I’ll briefly summarize it here. For various reasons (e.g., wanting to appear as a nuclear family, resentment and other negative feelings toward former spouses, legitimate desires to protect children, growing love and attachment to stepchildren, or the absence of the other biological parent through death or abandonment), stepparents may try to replace or compete with the biological parent.

No matter how valid and even noble they may seem, these efforts cause emotional distress for children, placing them in a loyalty bind where they feel they must choose between their stepparent and parent. In addition to the stress this puts on children, ironically it often disrupts the opportunity for a healthy stepparent-stepchild bond.

Even when a biological parent has died or abandoned their parental role, their presence endures in the child’s heart. The same is often true when a parent is dysfunctional or even hurtful in their behavior toward their child. Children retain deep desires for connection with their biological parent. When stepparents threaten that connection, children tend to withdraw or resist.

Honoring the biological parent – regardless of physical presence or parental aptitude – creates safety within which the stepparent-stepchild bond can grow organically.

4.      Feeling Threatened by the Parent-Child Bond

When a blended family first forms, the stepparent is on the outside of the parent-child bond that predates the marriage. This can be surprisingly painful.

In an effort to alleviate this discomfort, stepparents may insist on being included in all family activities and resent time their spouse spends alone with their children. Prioritizing the marriage and creating family unity matter. However, it is also important, especially in the beginning, for parents to show up in consistent ways for their children. Abrupt changes in parenting style or responsibilities can cause children additional stress during the transition period that takes place after remarriage.

While parents should strive to balance the time and attention they spend on these three crucial relationship domains, stepparents who relax into the process will not only experience greater internal peace but will also smooth the road toward building a relationship with their stepchildren. As they do so, the insider-outsider phenomenon will begin to diminish, and family unity will increase.

5.      Using Passive-Aggressive Communication

Often, stepparents express feeling trapped in their own home with no outlet for relief. Feeling unseen, unappreciated, and unheard – and lacking a safe space to give voice to their feelings – some turn to passive-aggressiveness as a means of expressing their displeasure with the stepfamily experience or how their stepchildren are behaving.

Developing the necessary skills to have honest direct communication is essential for our own inner peace and the harmony and healthy functioning of our family. Blended family support groups are a helpful forum for discussing the challenges of the journey in a sympathetic and understanding environment. Being able to process complex feelings and adequately express our frustrations with others who are on the path can empower us to choose more effective means of both communicating and problem-solving.

6.      Protecting Your Heart After Rejection

My husband was looking forward to bonding with my children when we got married. One of my sons in particular had a lot in common with my husband and had even asked if he could call him “dad.” But it was only a couple of months into married life that my husband experienced an unexpected blow. It was the day of my oldest son’s priesthood ordination and my children’s dad was joining us in Sacrament Meeting. When my kids and I arrived at church, both my husband and their dad were already seated. My husband moved over to make room for me and the children, but my boys made a beeline to their dad. I will never forget the look on my husband’s face – pain, embarrassment – and then a hardening. He made a decision in that moment – those boys already have a dad. They don’t need me. And he chose self-protection over connection.

From my current vantage point, I understand why he responded the way he did. Stepparents are incredibly vulnerable to rejection, especially in the early years. He did go on to develop a very close relationship with my daughter because her relationship with her dad was strained when she was young. And, in time, after my boys moved out, my husband opened his heart again and they all get along well now. But for many years, tremendous tension permeated our home. With a protected heart, daily frustrations can lead to contention and then withdrawal.

I share this story, with my husband’s permission, to illustrate how vulnerable stepparents can be and how easily we can choose the safety of protective walls over risking a broken heart. Thankfully in our family, forgiveness has replaced frustration and love has replaced enmity. But it came at a heavy price.

7.      Giving Up on the Relationship Too Soon

Closing our hearts protects us from hurt. Giving up goes a step further: we stop investing in the relationship altogether. When relationships fail to develop at the pace hoped for, or when the challenges are much greater than anticipated, quite frequently, stepparents will disengage from their stepchildren. Turning to work, friends, or their own biological children, they may not only move away emotionally from their stepchildren, but their spouse as well.

It is not uncommon for shame to set in and for the new stepparent to feel a sense of inadequacy and fears that they don’t have what it takes to make these relationships work. Patience and adopting a long-view perspective are necessary for a stepparent to navigate the journey without burning out or giving up. Remember relationships take time to develop – often it will take many years of consistently showing up in a stepchild’s life before a bond forms.

FAQ: How Do I Repair a Relationship After Stepparenting Mistakes

Q: We’ve been blending our family for a while, and I recognize that I’ve made many mistakes. How can I repair the damage I may have unintentionally caused?

A: It’s painful to recognize where we have erred, but I hope you will start by extending some self-compassion and realize that blending families is a difficult and complex process. We all make mistakes in life and in our relationships. This is the nature of mortality. The repentance process is a good model to follow for repairing and restoring fractured family relationships:

1.        Recognition: Recognize and acknowledge the mistakes you have made and feel true remorse for hurtful actions.

2.        Confession: Reach out to the person or people involved and sincerely apologize.

3.        Restitution: Do all that you can to fix the relationship or the harm caused.

4.        Forsake Wrong Behavior: Stop doing what is hurtful and choose to do things differently.

5.        Righteous Living: Demonstrate that you have changed by consistently following through with your commitment to new behaviors.

Preach My Gospel states: “Repentance is much more than exercising willpower to change a behavior or overcome a weakness. Repentance is sincerely turning to Christ, who gives us the power to experience a ‘mighty change’ in our hearts (Alma 5:12-14).”  Sincerely turning to Christ and exercising faith in His power will magnify the potential for healing to take place – in your own heart and in your family.

How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily

Stepparenting can be challenging, but it can also be rewarding. Stepparents can avoid many of its pitfalls by recognizing and addressing common stepparenting mistakes. Below are some questions for you to consider both in personal reflection and as a couple:

Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:

• What expectations do you have regarding your relationship with your stepchildren? Are they realistic? If not, how might you adjust your expectations to the reality of your circumstances?

  
  

• How do you feel discipline should be handled in your blended family? Do you have any concerns with the advice to allow the biological family to lead in this area?

  
  

• Have you experienced the insider-outsider phenomenon in your blended family?

  • Do you feel threatened when your spouse spends time with their children without you?

  • How are you managing these feelings and concerns?

    
    

• Are you and your spouse able to communicate openly, honestly, and directly about issues concerning the children in the home?

  • If not, what steps do you need to take to ensure that you do not turn to passive-aggressive behaviors in an effort to be heard?

For Children in Stepfamilies:

Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.

• What do you enjoy most about your relationship with your stepparent?

  
  

• Is there anything you wish were different?

  
  

• Are there things you’d rather have your mom/dad handle instead of your stepparent?

  
  

• What activities do you enjoy? How do you feel about your stepparent doing some of those things with you?

References

1. Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2017). Stepfamily Relationships: Development, Dynamics, and Interventions (2nd ed.). Springer.

2. Ibid

If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.