Preparing to Blend in an LDS Stepfamily: 10 Risk Factors Couples Should Know (Part One: Interpersonal Factors)
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jul 2
- 7 min read
Updated: Jul 8
Remarriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, even for LDS couples. Learn about the risk factors and how to strengthen and protect your blended family.
Congratulations! If you're reading this post, chances are you are preparing to blend in an LDS stepfamily!
Preparing for remarriage can be both exciting and challenging. Blending families introduces unique dynamics involving children, former spouses, finances, and emotional healing. While many couples enter remarriage with faith and optimism, research shows that stepfamilies face higher risks of marital strain, family tension, and even divorce, if these challenges are not addressed intentionally.
Understanding common risk factors can help couples prepare wisely and strengthen their new marriage. This is part 1 of a 2-part series that will help you understand and overcome interpersonal risk factors.
Why Many Couples Are Unprepared for Challenges in LDS Blended Families
For various reasons remarried couples often report feeling inadequately prepared for the challenges of blending a family. These may include:
· Not being aware that stepfamilies are different from first marriage families.
· Not wanting to know what the issues might be.
· Not believing common stepfamily difficulties would apply to them.
While some remarrying couples observe early indications of future difficulties, many couples are blindsided by problems that arise only after the wedding, so it’s important to be aware of common concerns and proactively prepare for them.
How to Reduce the Risk of Divorce in an LDS Blended Family
The risk of divorce is higher for remarriages than first marriages[1], but the contributing factors are varied and complex. While it is important to recognize that a higher risk of divorce does not mean divorce is inevitable, remarrying couples can lower their risk of re-divorce substantially by:
· Understanding the risk factors.
· Assessing individual and family dynamics for vulnerabilities.
· Proactively working to fortify their marriage against potential threats.
Why Intentional Preparation Matters in LDS Stepfamilies
Intentionality is defined as “an attitude of purposefulness, with a commitment to deliberate action.” When we are intentional, we always have the end goal in mind. This end goal is our purpose. It keeps us grounded and determines the actions we will take.
“Think Celestial”
When President Russell M. Nelson extended the invitation to “think Celestial,” he invited us to be “spiritually minded,” and to “begin with the end in mind… making the celestial kingdom [our] eternal goal.”
In the scriptures, intent and purpose are paired with the condition of our hearts. We are taught of the power that comes when we follow Christ with “full purpose of heart” (2 Nephi 31:13), and when we pray with a “sincere heart” and “real intent” (Moroni 7:9, 10:4). The same is true when we apply an attitude of real intent and full purpose of heart in the formation of an LDS blended family.
No marriage or family is without challenges.
Keep in mind, that no marriage or family is without challenges. But harmony can be achieved when family members proactively work together with the Lord to both prevent and overcome difficulty. Remarrying couples who do a lot of the work up front and come into marriage with their full commitment find the journey to be much easier.
Five Common Interpersonal Risk Factors for Re-Divorce
As mentioned previously, there are various reasons for the increased risk of divorce in remarriages. Following are a list of 5 common interpersonal risk factors, meaning these challenges exist between people. I’ve also included proactive ways you can reduce your risk.
As always, remember that your situation and family is unique. The best solutions will always come as you seek personal revelation with a humble and open heart.
Challenges with Children
Why it matters:
The most common factor in re-divorce are issues involving children from prior relationships. This is true whether the children are still living in the home or already adults. And it’s important to note that conflict that may seem due to incompatibility, communication problems, or finances, can often be tracked back to concerns related to the couple’s children.
How to reduce the risk:
First, recognize that conflict related to children in blended families is common… in other words, this is NORMAL, and it doesn’t mean your marriage or family are doomed to fail.
Be proactive in learning all you can about stepfamily parenting dynamics that are specific for the age of your children.
Acknowledge any current red flags (such as disapproval of your spouse’s parenting style or the way their children are behaving) and discuss them with your partner.
Remember to routinely check in on your expectations and attitudes about how you think your family – or the children – should be functioning.
Develop the Christlike attributes essential for healthy blended family relationships.
Financial Disagreements
Why it matters:
Financial disagreements are a frequent cause of both first divorces and subsequent ones, with the latter often involving complications related to children from previous marriages. Disputes may range from spending on children’s activities to concerns over inheritance when older couples remarry.
Additionally, the adjustment to shared financial decision-making can be challenging for those accustomed to independence, and financial difficulties in previous relationships might lead to resistance in merging finances or excessive control over family spending in new marriages.
How to reduce the risk:
Start talking about finances now. Don’t sweep issues under the rug to avoid conflict.
Consider drafting a “Togetherness Agreement.” Instead of focusing on what a spouse will not receive in the event of a divorce, this alternative to a prenuptial agreement focuses more on how you and your spouse will protect your marriage while meeting prior and future financial obligations.
For more information on “Togetherness Agreements” and other ways to proactively address financial concerns in blended families, I recommend reading The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning, by Ron Deal, Greg Pettys, and David Edwards.
Influence of The Other Home
Why it matters:
Stepfamilies are multi-household. Sometimes a lack of appropriate boundaries, a toxic former spouse, or a manipulative parent or stepparent can create chaos in your home and increase tension between you and your spouse. However, efforts to ignore, diminish, or compete with the “other home” can decrease stepfamily functioning and contribute to stressful relationships both within, and between, homes.
How to reduce the risk:
Learn how to improve relationships in your LDS blended family by shifting your perspective and expanding your “family tent .”
Assess and discuss the relationship dynamics and emotional bonds between family members within and outside of your home.
Recognize that relationships with former spouses tend to shift– usually to the negative – when one remarries. This is often due to a sense that the parent bond may be threatened. Work hard to sincerely communicate “no-threat” messages both in words and action prior to, and after, remarriage.
Discuss how to create and maintain appropriate boundaries.
Develop a business partner coparenting relationship with your former spouse. When this is not possible, a parallel parenting style may be more appropriate.
Former…or Fantasy…Spouse Idealization
Why it matters:
You might be familiar with the common saying: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If you were happily married and your former spouse passed away, you might find yourself comparing your new spouse to them and perceiving that they constantly fall short. This can also occur if you were never married or were single for a while and created an image of an ideal spouse that your current spouse is unable to live up to.
How to reduce the risk:
Develop realistic expectations and embrace the love in front of you. One woman, Chelize, who was 50 when she married for the first time said, “Once I divorced my fantasy husband, I found it much easier to love the one I was actually living with.”
Create appropriate boundaries around the memory of a deceased spouse. This does not mean ignoring the love you had - and still have - for them, it just means allowing yourself to truly embrace the person who is currently occupying your heart, home, and bed.
Look for the qualities you love about your current spouse. Celebrate the differences that provide fresh opportunities for appreciation or that challenge you in novel ways.
A fundamental purpose of mortality is to prepare to live in Celestial relationships. If your former spouse passed away, remember that they are continuing to progress on their side of the veil, and so should you.
Negative Transference
Why it matters:
Past relationship trauma or pain can influence how you perceive your current partner and your behavior in the new marriage. For example, if your former spouse was unfaithful, you may have difficulty trusting your new partner and may become hyper-vigilant in monitoring their behavior for signs of infidelity. In such cases, you might unintentionally hold your new spouse responsible for pain stemming from prior circumstances. Not only is this unfair to your current partner, but it can also impede the development of emotional safety and intimacy for both of you.
How to reduce the risk:
Develop self-awareness. Be mindful of the potential to see your new spouse through the filter of your prior partner.
When concerns arise, question whether they are pertinent to the current relationship or stem from lingering pain linked to your former spouse.
Challenge both your thoughts and the actions they prompt.
If trust proves difficult, openly communicate with your new partner, and collaborate to rebuild this essential aspect of marital connection.
It may be helpful to work through unresolved trauma or obstacles to trust with a therapist or coach specifically trained in these areas.
Coming Up - Preparing for Remarriage in an LDS Stepfamily: 10 Risk Factors Couples Should Know (Part Two: Individual Factors)
In Part 2 we’ll explore the personal patterns individuals may carry into remarriage that can either strengthen—or undermine—their new relationship.
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
References
Although is often quoted that the divorce rate in the U.S. is approximately 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages and 74% for third marriages (Banschick, 2012 on Psychology Today), most family scholars feel those statistics are outdated and oversimplified, with actual divorce rates being lower overall. With that said, research consistently shows that remarriages – especially those involving children from prior relationships – face significantly higher divorce risk than first marriages.
