How to Improve Relationships in an LDS Blended Family: Adult Perception (Part One)
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jul 7
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 22
This is Part 1 of a 2-part series on the effect of adult perceptions on blended family functioning. Learn how a shift in the way parents and stepparents view their family can improve relationships both with those who live in and outside their home.
How Adult Attitudes Shape Relationships
How remarried couples think about and define their family can shape how smoothly it functions and how well family members adjust. Whether you are preparing to blend or have been remarried for years, it can be beneficial to take a moment to consider how you think of your stepfamily and how that perception might be affecting relationships both in, and outside, your home. This is especially important within the family-centric culture of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Five Common Ways Adults View Their LDS Blended Family
There are five broad categories into which stepfamilies may fall based on the attitudes the adults have about their family.[1] As these are presented, you might consider which type resonates most with you.
1. “Nuclear Family…or So it Seems”
Nuclear family appearance:
Adults in these families actively and purposefully seek to look like a first marriage or nuclear family, both within the home and to outsiders.
Stepparents function as biological parents:
Stepparents assume the biological parent role and children are expected to accept them as such.
Disregard for outside biological ties:
Biological bonds outside the family are not acknowledged or largely ignored, even if relationships were functional prior to the establishment of the new marriage. Efforts may be made to sever biological ties legally.
2. “Not Really a Stepfamily”
Couple remarried when children were young:
Stepchildren were fairly young when the stepfamily was formed and stepchild-stepparent bond established early.
Presence of half siblings:
The couple may have additional children together after they remarry and half siblings develop close bonds.
Biological parent is largely absent:
Contact with the other biological parent is limited by distance, custody, or relationship dynamics.
Nuclear family functionality:
These families tend to function like a first marriage family most of the time, except when children occasionally visit their other biological parent. These visits are often seen as an unwanted disruption to the family.
3. “Wish We Were a Nuclear Family”
Strong desire for nuclear family appearance:
These stepfamilies desperately want to appear as a nuclear family, but children’s ties to biological parents and/or siblings in other households prevent it.
Biological parents active in stepchildren’s lives:
Stepchildren regularly spend time with their other biological parent. These households may even share 50/50 joint physical custody.
Stepparent competes with biological parent:
Stepparents may feel that they really are a better parent than the child’s biological mom or dad and go to work trying to prove it.
Disputes between coparents:
Households disagree on core issues, such as church attendance or rules around dating or technology use.
4. “Looking Forward to When It’s Just Us”
Resentment toward children:
In these stepfamilies, one or both remarried partners are resentful of the presence of stepchildren and former spouses. They look forward to the day when the children are launched, and they can have a less complicated life.
Possible presence of “we-babies”:
These couples may have additional children together and wish they could just focus on their “own” family.
One partner may be detached from parenting:
This can also be a common attitude if one of the partners does not have a spouse or children from a previous marriage, or if their own children are now adults.
5. “Our LDS Blended Family”
Acceptance of blended family identity:
In the final group, couples think of, and present themselves as, a stepfamily.
Realistic expectations:
Parents and stepparents are knowledgeable of blended family dynamics and maintain realistic expectations for how the family functions. They are better equipped to cope with challenges as they arise.
Support of biological bonds outside home:
They acknowledge the importance of relationships that extend beyond their household and work to support those relationships even when it is challenging.
Greater peace and family unity over the family lifespan:
While affirming a blended family identity can be difficult in a church that places such high value on the traditional family, accepting things as they really are tends to generate far greater peace and family unity over time than having unmet and unrealistic expectations.
What Happens When Spouses Disagree About Their Stepfamily Identity?
Adult attitudes may not fall neatly into one of these five categories. In more complex stepfamilies, attitudes may be a blend of more than one. And, it is not uncommon for remarried spouses to have different attitudes and ways of perceiving their family. For example, a husband with adult children may be “looking forward to when it’s just us” while his wife who is watching her young children struggle to adjust may “wish [they] were a nuclear family.”
Tension can build when partners do not share the same vision. It is important for remarrying couples to discuss their views and recognize that their attitudes about the family may – and likely will – change over time. Thus, the conversation needs to be open and ongoing as family circumstances evolve. It can be helpful to discuss differing perspectives and their effect on the family with a coach trained in stepfamily dynamics.
The Struggle of Building Stepparent–Stepchild Relationships
The way an adult perceives their stepfamily is often influenced by the relationship they have – or want to have – with their stepchildren. Some stepparents wish they were the child’s biological parent and try to establish this type of bond. Other stepparents remain detached and distant, viewing their stepchildren as their spouse’s responsibility.
An additional contributing factor is the expectation or desire the biological parents have for the relationship between their child and new spouse. For example, a custodial father may expect his new wife to step into a full mothering role with his children before a bond has formed.
Many stepparents, despite their best intentions, find it awkward to develop a relationship with their stepchildren as it is not unusual for children to resist their efforts, especially in the early years. This may lead stepparents to become frustrated and withdraw prematurely, not recognizing that their persistence will eventually bear fruit.
When stepparents and children are at odds with one another, parents feel torn. Some respond with increased pressure on both their spouse and their children to form a bond, while others turn away from their spouse or child to preserve the relationship with the other.
How Can We Build Strong Relationships in an LDS Stepfamily?
Optimal family outcomes tend to be achieved when both parents and stepparents respect and support the relationships children have with family members outside of their home, as well as work to build strong relationships with all family members within the home. And, it cannot be stressed strongly enough, that blending takes love, effort, selflessness… and time! Relationships can never be forced. They must be nourished gently and consistently to grow.
Building Healthy Relationships Across Households in a Blended Family
While there are many different factors that can influence a stepchild-stepparent relationship, the most common impediment is the failure to recognize elements outside the home. A widened perspective can bring significant insights. Read “How to Improve Relationships in LDS Blended Families: Adult Perception (Part Two)” to learn more about how to strengthen relationships by expanding your perspective…and your heart.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FAQ
Q: Isn’t it possible for a stepparent to form a bond and relationship with a stepchild as strong as if they were biologically related?
A: Absolutely! This is especially true if a child's parent dies and the stepparent adopts them. But that's not the only case where this type of bond can form. I actually have a very close relationship with my youngest stepdaughter, who I consider one of my own. However, our relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years and has been greatly influenced by the degree to which I respect her relationship with her biological mother. The point isn't so much about refraining from developing a strong relationship with a stepchild. It is more about respecting and honoring the child's biological parent in the process.
Q: We would like to have an “we-baby” but are worried about how it will affect our other children.
A: It is wonderful that you are sensitive and concerned about this decision and how it would affect your other children. There is no “one-size-fits-all” answer to this question, but factors you can consider are:
Why do you want to have a child together?
How strong is your marriage?
How well are your children adjusting to stepfamily life?
Do any of the children have unmet or serious mental, emotional, or physical concerns?
How strong are the parent-child and stepparent-stepchild relationships?
How amicable are relationships between households?
Are there any logistical concerns that could place strain on the family if a new child was added? For example, if stepchildren reside out of state, how would visitation be managed with a new child?
Some couples want to have a child together because they believe it will make them more like a nuclear family and will encourage stepchildren to want to be in their home more than in their other home. Other couples might choose to have a child hoping that it will improve their marriage. In stepfamilies these motivations can backfire and cause more problems than they solve.
Having an “we-baby” naturally adds to stepfamily complexity, That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad idea. However, it tends to work out best when other relationships within and between households are already strong, and continue to be carefully and lovingly maintained after the birth of a new child.
Approaching this decision thoughtfully and intentionally will help you determine what is best for all concerned. Of course, the most important thing you can do is pray and seek personal revelation for your unique stepfamily. Many LDS stepfamilies have flourished with the addition of new children.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Improving relationships in stepfamilies requires personal reflection, open dialogue, and intentional effort in applying new information in ways that meet the needs of your unique family. Here are a few ideas to get started:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Which of the five stepfamily categories best describes the way you view your family?
How has this view influenced relationships within, and outside, your home?
What fears do you have regarding the way your family functions or appears to others?
What might happen if you chose to see your stepfamily differently (e.g., if you were to accept and embrace your family as a stepfamily)?
Do you and your fiancé/spouse view your family the same way?
If you view your family differently, discuss what potential issues could arise, or may already be present, and how you will work to resolve these concerns.
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Ask your children how they feel about the way your family functions and appears compared to other LDS families.
Do they wish things were different? If so, how?
Ask your children how they feel about their relationship with their stepparent. What is working and what isn't?
What kind of a relationship do your children want with their stepparent?
What might be standing in the way of that relationship? What would make it easier and what makes it harder to have the relationship they desire?
Recognize that your children may answer these questions honestly or they may be more guarded or want to answer in a way that pleases you. Don't push. If you sense that your children are uncomfortable with these questions, working with a coach experienced with LDS stepfamilies can help.
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
References
See Burgoyne, J., & Clark, D. (1984). Making a go of it. A study of stepfamilies in Sheffield. Boston: Routledge and Kegan. Category names have been changed.
