Preparing to Blend in an LDS Stepfamily: 10 Risk Factors Couples Should Know (Part Two: Individual Factors)
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jul 2
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 22
Remarriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, even for LDS couples. Learn about the risk factors and how to strengthen and protect your blended family.
In Part 1 of this series, we explored several interpersonal risk factors that can place strain on a remarriage in an LDS blended family, including challenges involving children, finances, former spouses and relationships across households. While these external dynamics can create significant pressure on a marriage, they are only part of the picture.
The health of a remarriage is also shaped by the personal attitudes and patterns each partner brings into the relationship. Healing from past experiences, developing self-awareness, and approaching the marriage with humility and full commitment can significantly strengthen a couple’s foundation.
Five Common Individual/Personal Risk Factors for Re-Divorce
The following individual risk factors often stem from unresolved personal patterns carried into a new marriage. Recognizing and addressing them can greatly improve the chances of building a strong and lasting LDS blended family.
New Marriage - Old Patterns
Why it matters:
Remarriages can struggle when partners bring unhealthy or ineffective relationship patterns from their prior marriage, single life, or even their family of origin, into their new marriage.
For example, perhaps in your first marriage, you learned to suppress your true feelings to keep the peace. You might have done this because you or your spouse had low tolerance for conflict or underdeveloped communication skills. But your new spouse could perceive your efforts to avoid conflict as withdrawal and rejection which may hinder the development of emotional intimacy.
On the other hand, in your family of origin disagreements may have been openly and loudly discussed, but if your new spouse’s former partner was emotionally volatile or hostile, they may find conflict overwhelming and upsetting.
How to reduce the risk:
Keep in mind that your new spouse is an individual distinct from your former partner. What may have worked in your previous marriage, even if only in the short term, might not be suitable for your new relationship and could lead to loss of connection.
Thoughtfully assess relationship patterns and consider what changes might be beneficial in your new relationship. This requires a degree of self-awareness. If this is not a strong skillset for you, ask a trusted family member or friend for feedback.
Explore communication, attachment styles, and other relationship dynamics. (Check out my Resources page for recommendations.)
Be open, honest, and humble as you discuss patterns and behaviors that may have originated in your previous relationships with your partner. This not only fosters empathy and understanding for your respective approaches but also aids in ongoing healing and the development of healthier alternatives.
Increased Tolerance for Divorce
Why it matters:
While often traumatizing and painful, having gone through a previous divorce may actually boost an individual’s confidence that they can endure another one.
The inclination to consider divorce as a viable option is also heightened in cases of generational divorce. If your parents (or your fiancé’s parents) divorced, statistically speaking, your risk increases. This may be particularly relevant if you perceive your parents as happier and/or better off now than they were in their first marriage.
How to reduce the risk:
Evaluate your commitment level and adjust your sights to a celestial outcome.
When we “think Celestial,” we don’t think in terms of mortality, we don’t think in terms of “if it works” or provide ourselves with a back-up plan; rather, we move forward with exaltation with our spouse as the end goal and every choice we make is considered in light of whether it gets us closer or further away from that goal.
Low Tolerance for Dissatisfaction and Conditional Commitment
Why it matters:
Individuals who have experienced an unhappy prior relationship, especially one that involved abuse, betrayal, or high levels of conflict may come into the new marriage hesitant to fully commit.
“I will never put myself in that type of situation again,” and “I deserve better,” are familiar refrains for those who survived a difficult relationship. These sentiments may be heightened if the individual has children who also suffered.
While self-protection and high standards are both wise and understandable, they can lead to behaviors that undermine the new relationship.
How to reduce the risk:
Be honest and transparent with your partner prior to marriage. Do all that you can to determine if you are a good fit for one another.
It’s ok to have high expectations but make sure they are also realistic. Remember you're marrying an imperfect human... just like you.
Don’t ignore red flags prior to marriage, but once you have “chosen your love, love your choice.”
Develop a strong sense of commitment. Having realistic expectations and being quick to forgive are essential to any relationship, as is giving one’s full commitment. Commitment has actually been found to be the number one protective factor against divorce in many studies.
Easily Triggered
Why it matters:
Relationship defeating behaviors are often more easily triggered in remarriages. Due to children, ex-spouses, and other dynamics that are present from the beginning, stressors often occur sooner and in higher doses than in first marriages. And because they show up soon after the wedding, the positive emotional bank account may have a lower starting balance.
Furthermore, if past emotional wounds haven’t sufficiently healed, new darts and arrows can inflict greater damage than they would have otherwise. Fears and a desire to avoid pain experienced in prior relationships can lead to self-protecting efforts, and residual negative behaviors from prior relationships or a deficit in problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills can be problematic.
How to reduce the risk:
Assess your skills, including those related to communication, problem-solving and conflict-resolution.
Consider your capacity to manage stress and maintain holistic well-being, in mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical domains.
Gauge where you are in the healing process and take necessary steps to bring your healthiest possible self to the marriage.
If you recognize the need for further healing, consider delaying the marriage to focus on this essential aspect of marital preparation.
"I'm Not the Problem"
Why it matters:
You might have noticed that some individuals seem to have bad luck when it comes to relationships. They may ask, “Why me? Why is this happening, again?!” But rarely do these individuals look internally for the answers.
Remember there were two people in the prior marriage and the most important thing you bring from that relationship to your new one is YOU. Renowned marriage and divorce researcher, Mavis Hetherington stated, “Unless something else in the new marriage differs markedly, [if unchanged, the factors] that undermined the first marriage will eventually destroy the second” (Hetherington, p. 167).
How to reduce the risk:
Be accountable and make necessary changes.
Choose to take “radical responsibility,” by recognizing that you can change your life if you choose to take full responsibility for it.
Recognize that when we blame others for circumstances, we lose our personal power.
Consider how you contributed to problems in your first marriage and create a plan to address these issues. Learn from the past instead of repeating it.
Lessons from Lehi Applied to Your LDS Blended Family
As Lehi and his family sojourned in the wilderness, the Lord provided this assurance:
I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led. (1 Nephi 17:13)
While their journey was far from conflict-free, Lehi’s family nevertheless successfully arrived in the Promised Land. The Lord truly did prepare the way before them, but it required their faith, diligence, and intentionality.
It is impossible to know exactly how your stepfamily journey will unfold, however, the greater the level of intentionality a couple adopts, especially in the beginning, the smoother the road is likely to be. This certainly does not imply that issues won’t surface. However, intentional action coupled with faith and obedience to the Lord’s counsel can transform potential stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
FAQ
Q: Are all blended families different than first marriage families? Can't some function the same way?
A: Yes. Stepfamilies are different than first marriage families. Depending on a variety of factors, some stepfamilies can indeed function very similarly to first marriage families. However, it is important that you are aware of how stepfamilies differ from first marriage families and how that might impact your blending. Ignoring or pretending like these factors won't affect you can lead to major issues down the road.
Q: Our adult children are not supportive of us getting married. We don’t want to feel like our love for each other and happiness is being held hostage. What should we do?
A: With an increasing number of couples remarrying after their children are grown, this question is not uncommon! While the decision to marry is ultimately yours to make, the road will be smoother if you take the time to sincerely listen and consider the concerns that your adult children have. It may be wise to slow down your pace toward marriage. This is especially important if your former spouse recently passed. While spouses are often able to move forward more quickly, children may still be grieving and having the surviving parent marry soon after their other parent dies can exacerbate their grief.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Preparing to blend in an LDS stepfamily requires personal reflection, open dialogue, and intentional effort in applying new information in ways that meet the needs of your unique family. Here are a few ideas to get started:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
What is the “end goal” for your marriage? What is your purpose? Consider creating a short purpose statement that captures this idea. The intent of this statement is to keep you grounded and determine the actions you will take when difficulties arise.
Have you prayed with a “sincere heart” and “real intent” for your marriage and family? If you are not already doing so, begin praying individually and with your spouse daily for your family.
Nephi records that he “did go into the mount oft” and “did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto [him] great things.” What great things has the Lord showed you? Record these things in a journal and refer back to them in times of doubt or challenge.
Nephi said, “the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work,” and that he did “build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto [him]; wherefore, it was not after the manner of men.” How might the Lord’s instructions for your marriage and family differ from worldly counsel?
What re-divorce risk factors might be potential areas of vulnerability for your marriage and family? Discuss ways you would like to address your concerns, with a special emphasis on your own accountability. How can these vulnerabilities be growth opportunities for you?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Family activity suggestion for blending with younger children:
Depending on how young your children are, read select verses or tell them the story of Nephi building a ship to take his family to the Promised Land (1 Nephi 17:7-19, 18:1-4).
You might build a ship (or something else) out of Legos, building blocks, cardboard, or some other material.
Discuss how when family members work together, the project is easier and more fun.
Explain how you and your new spouse are working to build your stepfamily. Ask how your children might want to help in that process. Ask if they have any concerns they would like to discuss with you.
Just like Nephi who had never built a ship before, this is a new experience for your family, but with the Lord’s help, you can together build something strong and sturdy to carry your family throughout your journey.
Adapting above activity when blending with teens:
Together read the story of Nephi building a ship to take his family to the Promised Land (1 Nephi 17:7-19, 18:1-4).
Discuss what challenges there might be in building a ship in the wilderness, without any prior experience.
Discuss how this story might apply to the new family you are building together.
Ask how your children could help in that process.
Ask if they have any concerns they would like to discuss with you.
Explain that just like Nephi who had never built a ship before, this is a new experience for your family.
Express your faith that as you each turn to the Lord and ask for Help, He will direct you to build a “curious workmanship.” (A definition of curious in the Websters 1828 Dictionary is “wrought with care and art.”)
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
