How to Create Greater Unity in an LDS Blended Family
- Kiersten Wilson
- Aug 4
- 11 min read
Creating unity in an LDS stepfamily can feel complicated. Remarriage blends not only two spouses, but children, and past experiences, expectations, and traditions.
In this article, you will learn how to create greater unity in an LDS blended family by applying gospel principles to establish a “home court advantage.”
What the Savior Teaches About Unity and Oneness
The Savior’s doctrine of unity provides a powerful framework for building oneness in a blended family while honoring gospel principles. Unity—or oneness—is a fundamental gospel truth and essential to the divine definition of perfection. Jesus emphasized this doctrine in His great intercessory prayer as he pled with the Father on behalf of all who believe in Him, “that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one.” (John 17:22-23)
Oneness in Eternal Marriage and Remarriage
The Lord makes it clear that oneness is integral to an eternal marriage. The exhortation that husband and wife are to be “no more twain, but one flesh” is repeated in 8 separate books in the Standard Works.
The image of a triangle is often used to convey a principle of oneness in covenant marriages. With Christ on the top of the triangle and the spouses on either side, one can see that as each individual progressively moves toward Christ, they also grow closer to each other, eventually reaching the pinnacle where all three have become One.
Researchers have found that a shift from thinking in terms of what is best for the self, to what is best for the couple, is a key element of commitment and an essential component of healthy marriages. This is sometimes referred to as “we-ness” in family life education.
“We-ness”: Thinking in terms of what is best for the couple, rather than focusing on what is best for the individual.
How to Build Unity in an LDS Blended Family Through Christ-Centered Parenting
When children are added to the inside of the triangle, the love that parents have for one another, their children, and the Lord creates a nurturing shelter for the family.
Commitment to Stepchildren in an LDS Blended Family
In stepfamilies, unity rarely happens automatically. It must be chosen, nurtured, and protected. And in a blended family, oneness involves more than commitment between spouses, or even between parents and their offspring. To become one, remarried couples also commit to one another’s children. They not only strive to do what is best for the couple relationship, but what is best for the family. The intentional nurturance of both spousal and parenting bonds – biological and step – move the family toward oneness, or “familyness.”
“Familyness”: A shared identity in which members view themselves as integral parts of one family system. Each individual feels a sense of belonging and support for growth.
Paul counsels in his letter to the Philippians:
"… be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or [vanity]; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others." (Philippians 2:2-4)
It takes genuine humility and effort to be “of one accord, of one mind” and to consider what is best not only for you and your own children, but for your stepchildren, as well. But, as couples place Christ at the top of their family triangle and all their children in the center, His grace enables them to create Zion-like unity that would be impossible if each spouse simply focused on their “own things.”
Creating a Home Court Advantage in Your LDS Blended Family
In 2021, Liz Darger (Senior Associate Athletic Director, Brigham Young University) gave a memorable devotional address. She spoke of the importance of a “home court advantage” in athletics, the campus community, and in families. We’re big Aggie fans in our family, as the main campus of Utah State University is located in our hometown of Logan, Utah. Whether it’s the HURD at Utah State, the ROC at BYU, or any other fan organization to which you might belong or associate, you know the power of spirit, pride, and tradition in support of the home team, and the sense of unity they bring.
I can think of no more important place to create a home court advantage than in blended families! What characterizes this favorable benefit and how can you create it in your family? Of course, each family is unique so what works best for one might not be relevant or feasible for another, but the following are some ideas for you to consider:
Build a sense of belonging:
To belong means to feel seen, known, appreciated, and accepted; to feel that we matter and that our contribution to the whole is essential. It means to feel safe – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and to sense that our fundamental needs can be met or achieved.
I love the Apostle Paul’s comparison of the human body to the body of Christ. This can similarly be applied to families, especially stepfamilies.
If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body?...
The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.” In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. …
This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.” (1 Corinthians 12:16, 21-22, 25-26, New Living Translation)
When families create a sense of belonging, they celebrate each member’s unique strengths, assist them in overcoming weaknesses, protect their vulnerabilities, and facilitate their growth. Family members basic needs, wants, and desires are known and efforts are made as a unit to ensure they are met, or can be achieved. No one individual or group of individuals is more or less important.
When families create a sense of belonging, they celebrate each member’s unique strengths, assist them in overcoming weaknesses, protect their vulnerabilities, and facilitate their growth.
Cheer each other on:
Of course, a home court advantage would not be possible without a devoted fan base cheering on the team, and celebrating each member’s success. In blended families, we cheer each other on when we’re aware of important milestones and challenges. We celebrate individual achievements and progress toward goals, even if they’re only baby steps in the right direction. We are unified in our loyalty for one another and avoid disparaging thoughts and words. We see the best in each other and extend grace and forgiveness when mistakes are made.
In blended families, we celebrate individual achievements and progress toward goals, even if they’re only baby steps in the right direction.
Hold family councils:
Just as a coach holds meetings with his team as a whole, as well as with individual members, families create a home court advantage when they regularly hold family councils. Elder Ballard was well known for his advocacy for counseling together to solve problems, make plans, strengthen relationships, and create greater unity. He said that family councils are an opportunity for “compassionate collaboration.”
In the family, councils generally constitute one of the following four types: 1) the entire family, 2) husband and wife, 3) parents and a child, and 4) one parent and one child.
I also believe that blended families can benefit from occasional councils between the biological parent and children, especially in the early years when the family beginning to integrate. This is not intended to exclude the stepparent, but creates an opportunity for children to speak more freely than they might otherwise, and the parent to gain greater understanding of their struggles, needs, and desires. This should always be done with the purpose of strengthening the marriage, parent-child relationships, stepparent-stepchild relationships, and the family as a whole.
Family councils work best when they are held regularly, start with prayer, create an atmosphere of safety and support, and when ideas that are generated and agreed upon are implemented.
Integrate new and old traditions:
Whether singing the school song, wearing the school colors, or my personal favorite – kissing your loved one on top of the “Aggie-A” under a full moon to become a “True Aggie,” traditions unite us. When a stepfamily comes together, each side brings its own traditions. This can create division and contention, or unity and harmony, depending on how the subject is approached.
Family councils are a great setting for discussing how to integrate beloved traditions from both sides, as well as new activities and rituals that can create familyness. This can be especially helpful before a couple remarries. Be sure to consider daily and weekly routines, rituals of connection, and holidays and other special events and celebrations. Listen to one another with respect, curiosity, and openness. Be willing to be flexible and mindful of the “big picture” of one family coming together from two.
When a stepfamily comes together, each side brings its own traditions. This can create division and contention, or unity and harmony, depending on how the subject is approached.
Write a family mission statement:
A family mission statement defines what a family stands for (what they value or believe in), as well as creates a vision for where it is going. Again, a family council is a great setting for creating a family mission statement. This can be a lengthy document or a simple statement that can be posted in the home, recited, and remembered. Be creative and make it your own!
A family mission statement defines what a family stands for (what they value or believe in), as well as creates a vision for where it is going.
Oppose the enemy:
Nope, sorry. I don’t mean your former spouse. I mean the enemy. Paul’s words are significant: “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8, KJV).
In addition to cheering for their own team, the strength of the home team advantage lies in the fan’s ability to oppose the enemy. They study their tactics. They know their vulnerabilities. They run interference and distractions to oppose the enemy’s goals.
I’m not normally a fan of an “us against them” mentality, but when it comes to Satan, I’ll grant the exception. When we unite as a family, we are strengthened individually and collectively to thwart the adversary’s relentless attacks. Home becomes the safe shelter where we are renewed and fortified to once again face the world.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8, KJV).
As Liz Darger reminded us, “It is our covenant responsibility to have our ‘hearts knit together in unity and love one towards another’ (Mosiah 18:21).” While it requires a great deal of effort and intentionality, creating a home court advantage within an LDS blended family aligns with the Savior’s desire that we “may be one, even as [He and the Father] are one” and that through that oneness, we “may be made perfect in one.” (John 17:22-23)
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FAQ
Q: I love the idea of developing unity in our blended family, but my stepchildren really don’t want to have anything to do with me. They are happy to just have a relationship with their dad (my husband). I truly feel like an interloper in this family.
A: I am so sorry. This is not uncommon, but can be very painful, especially when your goal and desire is for unity and oneness in your family. While each blended family is unique, there are some common themes that explain why children might exclude a stepparent, as well as possible ways of addressing the problem.
Don’t take it personal: This is easier said than done, of course. But stepfamily relations are complex. Your stepchildren’s choice to exclude you likely doesn’t have as much to do with you as it does to do with their stage of life or their other family relationships.
Consider your stepchildren’s perspective: Might your stepchildren feel they would be disloyal to their biological mother if they had a better relationship with you? Are your stepchildren older (late teens or adults) and don’t see a need to have a relationship with you? Might it feel a bit awkward to them or perhaps they have enough other relationships that they are maintaining that they don’t have the bandwidth to nurture one with you?
Check your expectations: Is what you want/expect from the relationship realistic, especially at this time? For example, do you want a mother role when your stepchildren are more comfortable viewing you as their dad’s wife?
Practice affinity seeking: Affinity seeking is a term that means to build a friendship with someone to whom we are related through marriage. Affinity seeking works best when stepchildren guide the process. Stepparents continue to reach out, but in non-pressuring ways. They meet the stepchild on their own terms. They develop the capacity to receive what the stepchild has to offer, even if it is less than what they desire.
Communicate a non-threat message: It is especially important in the early years of blending to communicate a “no-threat” message to your children regarding their mother. Don’t try to compete with or replace her. Support your stepchildren’s relationship with her and refrain from speaking unkindly about her. This will help your stepchildren to relax into a relationship with you when they are ready.
Be patient: Relationships take time to grow and can’t be forced. Be patient and flexible. Relax your expectations and allow the process to unfold naturally.
Practice good self-care: In the meantime, nurture your relationship with your spouse. It’s ok to express your desire to have a closer relationship with his children, as well as to express your grief that it is not what you had hoped, but please be sensitive and avoid pressuring or guilting him. Continue to support his relationship with his children.
In addition to nurturing your marriage, it is important to find other appropriate ways to meet your needs and fill your cup. Nurture your relationships with other family members and friends. Take care of your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Shift into a positive mindset that both allows the feelings of sorrow and loss for unmet expectations, as well as opens your heart to experience joy and fulfillment in other areas of your life.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
The benefits of creating a home court advantage in your blended family are significant, and coming together in this effort can also be a lot of fun! After reading this article, hold a family council with your spouse to discuss what you can do to create greater unity. Here are a few discussion ideas to get you started:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
How can the triangle analogy, with Christ at the top, help you develop “oneness” in your marriage?
If you have already remarried, what challenges are you currently facing, or have faced in the past, that have prevented unity in your home?
What changes are you willing to make to create unity in your home?
How committed do you feel toward your fiancé/spouse’s child/ren? How might Paul’s counsel to the Philippians (Philippians 2:2-4) apply?
Do all members of your blended family enjoy a “home court advantage?” If not, why?
What suggestions for creating a “home court advantage” resonated with you?
What is your plan of action to implement these ideas?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Ask your children how they would define unity or oneness.
Draw a triangle with Christ at the top and the names or pictures of you and your spouse to each of the two corners. Add your children’s names or pictures to the center of the triangle. Ask your children what this image means to them. Ask how they think your family life would be if each parent focused on Christ when making decisions.
Discuss ways each family member could individually contribute to a spirit of oneness by focusing on Christ.
Hold a family council and discuss some ideas for creating a home court advantage. What suggestions do your children have? What would be most meaningful for them?
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
