Prioritizing Marriage in an LDS Blended Family
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jun 24
- 10 min read
Updated: Jul 22
Many LDS remarried couples struggle to balance parenting and marriage. Learn how to prioritize your spouse without sacrificing your children.
We are counseled to love our spouse with all our hearts and cleave unto them “and none else” (see D&C 42:22). The commandment to cleave to our spouse - prioritizing them over all other relationships - can be confusing and challenging in LDS blended families.
Nevertheless, the marriage is the critical foundation of the family. Without a strong bond between husband and wife, the family crumbles. But parents don’t have to choose between their children and spouse. Rather, in a Christ-centered remarriage, the needs of children are addressed in an atmosphere of love and unity.
What Does It Mean to Cleave in Remarriage?
Speaking of cleaving and marriage, in general, Elder L. Whitney Clayton stated:
The happiest marriages I have seen radiate obedience to one of the happiest commandments—that we “live together in love.” Speaking to husbands, the Lord commanded, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.”
A Church handbook teaches: “The word cleave means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave to God and one another by serving and loving each other and by keeping covenants in complete fidelity to one another and to God.”
Both the husband and wife “leave behind their single life and establish their marriage as [their] first priority. … They allow no other person or interest to have greater priority … than keeping the covenants they have made with God and each other.” Successful couples love each other with complete devotion.[1]
Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines cleaving as “[uniting] or being united closely in interest or affection; and [adhering] with strong attachment.”
Making the relationship with your spouse the most important relationship in your life is especially important in the early years of your marriage because you are establishing patterns for the way you interact not only with him/her, but also with the other people in your life, especially your children.
Why Is Cleaving to One’s Spouse Difficult in Blended Families?
Despite its importance, the principle of cleaving may be disconcerting for remarrying couples, whose attachment bonds to their children pre-date attachment to a new spouse.
Remarried parents often feel torn between the needs of their spouse and those of their children, especially when they conflict with one another. Whereas remarrying partners are rejoicing in new love and anticipating their life together, the transition after marriage can be difficult for children, who often don’t see where they fit in this new family. This can lead to resentment and pain and add to the loss they have already suffered.
Balancing Marriage and Children in an LDS Stepfamily
Rather than an either/or dilemma, parents should recognize that they do not have to choose between their children and spouse. There are ways to address the needs of children with love and compassion while at the same time maintaining the marital relationship as the priority.
But the responsibility for this task is not intended to be shouldered by the parent alone. Celestial marriage is a partnership. In a beautiful address to the women of the Church, President Spencer W. Kimball stated:
When we speak of marriage as a partnership, let us speak of marriage as a full partnership. We do not want our LDS women to be silent partners or limited partners in that eternal assignment! Please be a contributing and full partner.[2]
This quote can be modified to apply to both spouses – male and female, parents and stepparents. A celestial remarriage involves two fully involved partners, prayerfully counseling together as they collaborate to address the needs of the family.
The Important Role of Stepparents
It is much easier for a remarrying parent to prioritize the marriage if they trust that their spouse cares for their child and is actively striving to do what is best for them. Stepparents should consider this sacred trust carefully when natural feelings of irritation and judgment arise in day-to-day stepfamily life.
Stepparenting is different from parenting, and balancing the needs of the marriage and the children requires wisdom and intentionality, but it can be achieved.
How a Strong LDS Remarriage Benefits Children
Not only can remarried couples balance the needs of both marriage and children, but a strong LDS remarriage benefits the children in the blended family.
Happier Children
It probably goes without saying that children who feel their needs are being met, while also recognizing that their parent is in a stable, healthy marriage feel happier and more secure. Children thrive in stable environments.
Greater Peace Between Households:
A strong marriage partner can provide support in the coparenting relationship with a previous spouse. This not only benefits the children directly, but also promotes peace across the multi-household family.
Enhanced Stepfamily Integration:
From the foundation of a happy healthy remarriage, parents feel supported by their spouse, and the stepparent feels included and valued. This enhances the ability of both partners to guide children through the process of stepfamily integration.
Prepared to Create Their Own Healthy Marriage in the Future:
For children who have witnessed conflict and the dissolution of their parent’s marriage, seeing healthy patterns of interaction modeled in a remarriage can better prepare them for their own marriages and insulate them from the risks of generational divorce.
Why a Strong LDS Remarriage Benefits Couples
A strong LDS remarriage benefits the couple as well!
Higher Life Satisfaction:
Researchers have found that a high-quality marital relationship is the highest predictor of life satisfaction.[3]
President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Faithfulness to the marriage covenant brings the fullest joy here and glorious rewards hereafter.”[4]
If you want joy and happiness, now and forever, prioritize your marriage.
Exaltation in the Highest Degree of the Celestial Kingdom:
President Nelson stated that while salvation is an individual matter, exaltation is a family matter.[5] This is true for first marriages, as well as remarriages. To obtain the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, we must be married – and not only married, but happily married, with the desire to be one with our spouse for all eternity.
How an LDS Remarriage Can Strengthen Christlike Character
We learn in Doctrine & Covenants 88 that “all kingdoms have a law given”[6] and that “…he who is not able to abide the law of a celestial kingdom cannot abide a celestial glory.”[7]
President Dallin H. Oaks taught:
Through revelation, God has revealed the eternal laws, ordinances, and covenants that must be observed to develop the godly attributes necessary to realize [our] divine potential….to prepare God’s children for salvation in the celestial glory and, more particularly, for exaltation in its highest degree.[8]
President Oaks further taught:
It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.[9]
Being sealed to our spouse, although necessary for exaltation, is not sufficient in itself, to reach the highest degree of glory. It is faithfulness to that covenant, and all that it entails that qualifies and prepares us to live a godly eternal life. It is who we become through the refining experiences of marriage and family life that matters.
What This Means for LDS Blended Families
Remarriage often stretches couples emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Yet those very challenges can become opportunities to develop patience, humility, sacrifice, forgiveness, and Christlike love.
Marriage and family expert, Wally Goddard stated:
God did not design marriage to perfectly fulfill all our self-centered desires. He had loftier and more enduring purposes in mind. Marriage is ordained of God as a training ground for developing Christ like character.[10]
Goddard adds:
Just as a trainer might include extra challenges in the training of an advanced athlete, so God includes extra challenges in the training of an advanced disciple.[11]
I often say that remarriage and stepfamily living is like playing on “expert level.” Based on Goddard’s insights, you might say remarried couples are enrolled in an advanced discipleship training program.
Conclusion: Eternal Means Eternal
A recognition of the essential nature of marriage for our eternal progression enhances our understanding of why remarrying couples must prioritize their marriage over all other interests.
In speaking of Eternal marriage, Elder F. Burton Howard reminds us:
Eternal means eternal.
He further explains that eternal means:
Continuing growth and improvement.
Both partners honestly trying to perfect themselves.
Not frivolously discarding marriage at the first sign of disagreement or when times get hard.
Love growing stronger with time and extending beyond the grave.
Resolving problems and differences because each partner will be blessed with the company of the other partner forever.
Repentance, forgiveness, long-suffering, patience, hope, charity, love, and humility.
While balancing our marriage and parenting can be challenging in a blended family, it is worth the effort to create a bond with our spouse that will last throughout eternity.
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FAQ
Q: What do you do if you put your spouse first, but they always prioritize their children?
A: It can be painful to feel that you always come second in your spouse’s life, especially when youintentionally prioritize your marriage. While this dynamic can be present during different seasons of remarriage, it is more common in the early years as the family adjusts and integrates. Depending on your unique family circumstances, you may find these steps helpful:
1. Understand the motivation: As best as you can, try to step back and analyze what might be motivating your spouse’s behavior from the vantage point of a neutral observer. While not an exhaustive list, these are common reasons remarried parents prioritize their children over their marriage. Consider if any apply to your situation:
Guilt over the break-up of their child’s home / divorce from their child’s other parent
Concern for their child’s mental and emotional well-being, especially if their child is struggling or in a vulnerable season of life
Their child’s other biological parent is absent or unable to meet the child’s needs (your spouse is all their child has)
Fear of losing their relationship with their child (children and former partners can use this as a form of manipulation, but the fear can also exist solely in the parent’s mind)
Feeling unhappy and/or inadequate as a spouse and/or stepparent (remarried parents may turn to their children because this relationship is established and brings immediate rewards whereas the new marriage and stepparent role requires more work and effort)
Similarly, the marriage doesn’t feel like a safe space, whereas the parent-child relationship does
2. Develop compassion: Compassion literally means to suffer with another. What would it mean to your spouse if they felt that you recognized their struggle and viewed it with compassion rather than judgment?
3. Consider your role in the dynamic: It is much easier to see how our partner can and should improve. It is much more difficult to look inward and ask what we might be doing to contribute to the problem. Before approaching your partner, do a thorough self-evaluation and consider what changes you can and are willing to make. You might be surprised how quickly this turns your spouse toward you.
4. Have a conversation: Come alongside your spouse, and in a supportive, non-threatening way, ask if they are open to having a conversation about how the two of you can balance the needs of the marriage relationship with the needs of the children. If they are open to the conversation, be sure to start with how you feel you might have contributed to the problem and the specific actions you have, or are willing to take, to improve. Keep this first conversation simple. You are likely treading on vulnerable ground, so you don’t want to overwhelm your spouse or make any demands. Think of this initial conversation as one tiny step toward greater unity with your spouse. Don’t feel that you must solve the problem all at once. Just create enough safety to keep the door open for more conversations.
5. Implement solutions: Follow through on the commitments you have made to improve and change your role in the dynamic. If you and your spouse were able to brainstorm some ideas for creating a better parenting-marriage balance, decide how and when you will begin implementing your ideas as well as how and when you will return to discuss how it is going, and what tweaks need to be made.
6. Be flexible and patient: This is an endurance race, not a sprint. In fact, this might just be the season of marriage you are in at this time. Maintain an eternal perspective and approach the concern with compassion, charity, flexibility, and patience. Take steps to nurture for your mental and emotional wellbeing if your spouse is not able or willing at this time to invest in the marriage. You may need to find other appropriate ways to meet your needs outside the marriage (e.g., relationships with close friends and family members; service, work, or other activities that you find personally fulfilling and meaningful).
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Creating a Celestial Remarriage requires personal reflection, open dialogue between spouses, and intentional effort in applying new information in ways that meet the needs of your unique family. Here are a few ideas to get started:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Why do you think it’s important to establish your marriage as the first priority? How might that benefit your family?
Do you have any concerns about establishing your marriage as your first priority? Discuss these concerns with your partner. How will you navigate these concerns as you move forward in your relationship?
Do you see your marriage as a “full partnership?” Are there any situations or topics, that either of you feel that you must or should approach as “silent or limited” partner?
What changes need to be made so each spouse can be a fully contributing partner? Is there anything either one of you needs to do to make it easier for the other to be a full partner?
What do you think of Goddard’s characterization of marriage as a “training ground for developing Christlike character,” and the idea that remarriages might be “advanced discipleship training programs?
What Christlike attributes do you desire to develop? How might your new family present opportunities for this development?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Parents are usually excited about their new marriage, while their children can sometimes feel nervous or worried about what this will mean for them. What concerns do you have about your parent’s new marriage?
How do you feel about your parent or their new spouse showing affection toward each other?
·This article talks about some benefits for children when their parent is in a happy, healthy remarriage. Do you think these benefits apply to you? How do you think your parent’s new marriage could be a blessing for you?
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
References
L. Whitney Clayton, Marriage: Watch and Learn, April 2013 General Conference
Spencer W. Kimball, “Privileges and Responsibilities of Sisters,” Ensign, Nov. 1978, 106.
See Wilcox, W.B. (2024. Get Married. Harper Collins.
The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [1988], 533–34.
Russell M. Nelson, Salvation and Exaltation, April 2008 General Conference (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/04/salvation-and-exaltation?lang=eng)
Doctrine & Covenants 88:36
Doctrine & Covenants 88:22
Dallin H. Oaks, Kingdoms of Glory, October 2023 General Conference
Ibid. See also Dallin H. Oaks, The Challenge to Become, October 2000 General Conference
Goddard, H.D. (2021). Discoveries: Essential Truths for Relationships. Walnut Springs Press, p.135.
Ibid. p. 133.
