How Stepparents Can Build a Relationship with Stepchildren in an LDS Blended Family
Updated: Oct 1
A stepparent cannot manufacture closeness or claim a particular role. The relationship with their stepchild develops through affinity seeking, respect for existing bonds, responsiveness to the child's boundaries, and time.
In this article, learn why developing a relationship with stepchildren can be challenging and how to adopt the most appropriate stepparent role with younger children or teens, as well as receive some encouragement for when the road gets rough.
This article focuses on relationship dynamics with minor stepchildren. Future posts will address topics regarding adult stepchildren.
Why Building a Relationship with Stepchildren Can Be Challenging
While some stepparents prefer to maintain emotional distance from their stepchildren, most desire a role that involves some degree of closeness, affection, and influence. But developing these relationships can be challenging as children enter a blended family with important relationships already in place, particularly with their biological parents. How those parents respond to the stepparent can either support or complicate a developing bond.
The level of openness and support the biological parents grant the stepparent has a tremendous impact on the opportunity for a healthy stepparenting bond.
Other factors matter too. When a new stepparent is trying to build a relationship with their stepchildren, they may need to consider the influence of:
Competing biological bonds
Support of biological parents
Sibling influence
Influence of the stepparent's biological children
Residential configuration (full or part time custody)
Unrealistic/ambiguous expectations
Fear of hurting one's own children
Fear of overstepping
Fear of rejection
Child's age, gender, personality
Child’s history of trauma and loss
What Kind of Relationship Should a Stepparent Have with a Stepchild?
The type of relationship stepparents develop with their stepchildren also varies depending on the circumstances. Researchers have created many different categories, but some of the most common are parent-like, friend, or “quasi-kin” (which strikes a balance between the parent and friend roles).[1]
Parent-Like Stepparent
While there are many factors that influence the ability of a stepparent to adopt a parent-like role, in general, this occurs more easily when:
The biological parent/spouse encourages and supports the stepparent’s involvement
Stepchildren perceive benefit of stepparent to themselves and/or their parent
Stepchildren accept stepparent in the parent-like role
Stepparent doesn’t threaten or hinder the relationship children have with their other biological parent
Stepparents are flexible in the establishment of rules and carrying out discipline
A parent-like role is less likely to be accepted when children are teens at remarriage, when the relationship is forced, when the stepparent competes with or attempts to replace a biological parent, or when the stepparent imposes rigid expectations for behavior and discipline.
Friend
Stepparents often have the greatest success in developing a friendship with their stepchildren because it is the least likely role to be met with resistance from the child or other parents and/or family members. The friend role is often more appropriate than the parent-like, or even quasi-kin roles if stepchildren are pre-teens or teens when the stepfamily forms. The latter being more easily accepted by younger children.
Affinity Seeking: Building Connection Without Pressure
Affinity seeking is a term that refers to intentional behaviors stepparents engage in to build a warm, positive friendship with their stepchildren. These may include:
Shared activities: Supporting and participating in activities and hobbies that the stepchild enjoys.
Interest and curiosity: Showing genuine (but respectful, low-pressure) interest and curiosity in the child’s life.
Closeness based on child’s boundaries: Allowing the stepchild to set the boundaries of emotional and physical affection and closeness (e.g., hugs, personal conversations)
Stepparents who begin affinity seeking while they are dating their partner were found by researchers to have the closest stepparent-stepchild bond over time and were also more likely to eventually be accepted by their stepchildren in a parent-like role after marriage.[2] Stepparents are encouraged to be patiently persistent in establishing a bond with their stepchildren through affinity seeking before and after remarriage, as enduring relationships take time to develop.
Quasi-kin
Researchers Ganong & Coleman used the term “quasi-kin” to define a stepparenting role that bridges those of parent-like and friend. This might be a more appropriate type of relationship for stepparents when children are young and require more assistance and supervision. In this role, stepparents take on some situationally appropriate parental roles (e.g., helping with homework, getting children ready for school), but step back when it comes to major decisions and discipline.
Stepparents are most successful in the “quasi-kin” relationship if the couple discusses and agrees upon expectations, rules, and consequences in private, the parent then communicates these to the children, and the stepparent monitors and enforces them when the parent is absent.
Learn more about borrowed authority and the early stepparent role in The Role of a Stepparent in an LDS Blended Family.
Regardless of the role stepparents adopt, their success is tied to their ability to be flexible and adapt as circumstances require, as well as their willingness to “function as a parent,” while at the same time recognizing that they are “NOT the parent” (Ganong and Coleman, p.159).
How to Build a Relationship with Younger Stepchildren
As highlighted in the section above, the appropriateness of the role a stepparent takes in their stepchild’s life is largely dependent upon their age. Younger children are more likely to accept a parent-like or quasi-kin relationship, although it is wise for stepparents to engage in affinity-seeking behaviors with stepchildren regardless of their age when the blended family first forms.
In addition, the stepparenting relationship with younger children is more likely to develop well when stepparents:
Accept a Supportive Rather than a Primary Role
As discussed in The Role of a Stepparent, healthy stepparenting often requires the ability to step forward when support is needed and the grace to step aside when the biological parent should lead – whether that be your spouse or the biological parent in the other home.
Respect the Child’s Other Biological Parent
The primary reason biological parents in the other home resist the role of a stepparent is their fear of losing contact or influence in their child’s life or even being outright replaced. When stepparents communicate a non-threat message and respect and support the other biological parent, they are more likely to receive respect and support in return. This is easier in some coparenting relationships than others. If you are dealing with a challenging coparent in the other home, you will need to rely on the Savior and ask for the gift of charity so your feelings and behaviors will be genuine. When it’s hard, remember that your kindness is a gift to your stepchild and your spouse.
Ask, Don’t Assume Closeness
Phrases such as: “Would you like me to help you with that?” or “Would you like me to tuck you in tonight, or would you like your daddy to do that?” communicate to a stepchild that they have the right to their autonomy, as well as to choose the degree of closeness they want, without fear that they will disappoint, hurt, or risk you withdrawing from them. For the most part, younger children naturally accept closeness with a stepparent more readily than do older children, but bonds still need time to fully develop. Furthermore, younger children feel a greater sense of security when their biological parent continues to function in the primary role.
Let the Biological Parent Take the Lead
On that note, younger children are more likely to open their hearts to their stepparent when they are securely attached to their biological parent and when their parent maintains a consistent parenting style and responsibilities. I’ll talk more about what happens when a parent fails to do this in 4 Ways Parents Can Help - or Hinder - a Healthy Stepparent-Stepchild Relationship .
How to Build a Relationship with Teenage Stepchildren
The catchphrase, “slow as you go,” is a good one to keep in mind for most everything related to stepfamily living. Building relationships takes time. But this is especially relevant if your stepchildren are preteens or teens when they blended family forms. This can be a difficult time for biological parents, let alone stepparents, as teens navigate toward adulthood. With that in mind, here are a few tips for building a relationship with teenage stepchildren:
Manage Your Expectations
Children who are teenagers when the blended family forms are more likely to consider their stepparent as their mom or dad’s spouse, not necessarily as a “bonus parent.” I discuss more about managing unrealistic expectations in Seven Common Stepparenting Mistakes.
Practice Affinity Seeking
Continue practicing the affinity-seeking behaviors discussed above, with particular attention to keeping your interest low-pressure and allowing teens to determine the pace of closeness.
Don’t Take Teen Moods Personally
Don’t take their moods personally. Adolescents are navigating enormous physical, emotional, social, and developmental changes. Giving them grace and space can help create trust and emotional safety a new relationship needs.
Let the Biological Parent Lead Discipline
In most circumstances, when stepchildren are adolescents when the family forms, the biological parent should take the lead in discipline. Even if your stepchildren were young when you married their parent and you were able to adopt a parent-like role, you may have to step back from discipline in the teen years. (See the FAQ section of The Role of a Stepparent).
This can be especially difficult when their behavior is disruptive to the peace in your home or if they are disrespectful to you or your spouse. A stepparent can and should maintain reasonable household authority and appropriate boundaries, saying for example, “Please don’t speak to me that way in our home.” However, in general, it is better to seek to influence (if they are open to it) and support your spouse rather than following your instinct to take over.
Be Patient: Stepparent Relationships Take Time
Allowing your stepchild to guide the process by determining the nature of the relationship and the pace with which it unfolds can sometimes be discouraging when it doesn’t develop in the way you had hoped it would. But keep the door open. And, like the Savior, stand at the door waiting for an opportunity to connect. He never forces a relationship with us. Nor should we force a relationship with our stepchildren. Make sure your stepchild knows you desire a relationship with them, but that you accept things as they are currently and will be there for them if and when they want a deeper connection.
And for stepparents who are in the trenches feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated – I see you. Stepparenting can be a thankless job as they often carry out the responsibilities of parents without the benefits. You may be doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, loving with all your heart, and the bio parent still gets the accolades and affection. This can be so painful. Hang in there. I’m not the only one who sees you. Our Heavenly Parents recognize your efforts and are grateful that you are willing to take on one of the most challenging stewardship assignments we can receive. Remember these are Their children and maintain the eternal perspective necessary to start each new day with fresh optimism.
FAQ: How Long Does It Take to Bond With Stepchildren?
Q: You and your husband have been married for twenty years. How long did it take for you both to develop relationships with your stepchildren?
A: You’re not going to love my answer: I’m still working on it. I debated about answering this question in this article or in one of the upcoming posts entitled “Six Mistakes Stepparents/Parents Make” because my husband and I personally made most of the mistakes I’ll outline, and they did indeed hinder some of our stepfamily relationships.
While for the most part we have wonderful, fulfilling relationships with all of our children, a couple are not as close as I wish they could be, and one is perpetually strained. I continually pray for the grace to forgive and to be kind while still maintaining appropriate boundaries, but some days I’m better at it than others.
I will say that the stepparenting relationships that were strained when our children lived in the home improved when they moved out and became adults. Although we’ve continued to have difficult seasons and challenges to navigate with individual adult children, for the most part these have faded into the background, giving the positive joys associated with grandparenting – as well as our marriage – a chance to take center stage.
As I have suggested in other posts and FAQ's, I really encourage stepfamily couples to let go of time frames. I recognize that "how long" is a question we all long to have answered, but this can really put more pressure on a process that needs a lot of patience and flexibility.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Developing a relationship with your stepchildren can be challenging, but it can also be rewarding. Whether you are just starting out or have been married for years, learning how to navigate the complexities of this relationship can bring greater peace to your home and your heart. Below are some questions for you to consider both in personal reflection and as a couple:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
How supported is the stepparent (by their spouse, children, and other family members) in creating a relationship with their stepchildren?
Is the current stepfamily configuration (residential or non-residential stepchildren) helping or hindering the stepparent-stepchild relationships?
Which stepparent-stepchild relationship type is most appropriate for your circumstances?
How do you each feel about that?
Do you wish you could have a different type of relationship?
How are you managing the disconnect between your hopes and reality?
Which tips for building a relationship with your stepchildren most stood out to you? Why? What areas are hard for you?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
What do you enjoy most about your relationship with your stepparent?
Is there anything you wish were different?
Are there things you’d rather have your mom/dad handle instead of your stepparent?
What activities do you enjoy? How do you feel about your stepparent doing some of those things with you?
References
Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2017). Stepfamily Relationships: Development, Dynamics, and Interventions (2nd ed.). Springer.
Ibid
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
