4 Ways Parents Can Help - or Hinder - a Healthy Stepparent-Stepchild Relationship in an LDS Blended Family
In my last post I shared 7 common mistakes stepparents make that can negatively impact the stepparent-stepchild relationship. In this article, I focus on the parent’s side of the equation.
In a blended family, the biological parent often serves as an important bridge between their spouse and children – especially in the early years of stepfamily integration. But sometimes they unintentionally hinder stepparent-stepchild relationships. Learn how abrupt changes in parenting style and responsibilities, attempting to create artificial relationships, parental overfunctioning, and favoritism can frustrate the stepparent-stepchild relationship, and what parents can do instead.
Maintain Consistent Parenting Style, Roles, and Responsibilities
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The transition period that occurs when a blended family first forms requires a level of adjustment from all family members. But when a parent abruptly alters their parenting style or significantly shifts parenting responsibilities that were once theirs to the stepparent, children experience confusion and insecurity, and a heightened sense of loss.
Changes in parenting style or responsibilities after remarriage can occur when the biological parent:
Puts the stepparent in charge and disengages from their parental responsibilities.
Reduces contact with non-residential children, sometimes in response to taking on additional stepparenting responsibilities.
Becomes more authoritarian (high demand, high rigidity, low emotional responsiveness) - often due to pressure from their new spouse.
Becomes more permissive (high emotional responsiveness, low rules, demands, and structure) - often out of guilt or concern for their child’s experience.
Not only may children experience greater confusion, insecurity, and loss, but the formation of a healthy stepparent-stepchild relationship will be hindered if children become resentful and view the stepparent’s presence as responsible for the change in their parent. And the lack of clear boundaries and expectations, and consistent rules and appropriate consequences, can result in children’s behavioral difficulties, which in turn may lead stepparents to resist or resent a relationship with their stepchildren.
Help
Parents contribute to the likelihood that a healthy stepparent-stepchild relationship will form when they:
Recognize that stepparents have limited relational authority in the beginning.
Continue in their role as the primary parent.
Shift greater responsibilities to the stepparent only after a strong stepparent-stepchild bond forms.
Maintain consistency in their parenting style.
Sometimes, a change in parenting style is warranted. Strong evidence exists to suggest that an authoritative style of parenting (which balances high emotional warmth and responsiveness with clear limits and firm expectations) results in the most favorable outcomes for children. Some parents may have adopted authoritarian or permissive styles post-divorce or death of a spouse. Other parents may always have had one of these approaches to parenting.
The natural tension that exists in the transition period of a new stepfamily often brings ineffective parenting strategies to the surface, as they place additional strain on an already challenging process. If parents recognize that changes are warranted, it is recommended that they make small, slow, and intentional adjustments, communicating the reasons to their children. They should also take care to ensure the stepparent is not characterized as the “bad guy” that is responsible for the changes (especially if moving from permissive to authoritative).
Focus on Supporting Authentic Stepparent-Stepchild Relationships
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One of the most emotionally charged issues of our day is “artificial intelligence” or AI, which is technology that mimics human intelligence. While it can be beneficial, it also carries potential risks, such as lack of ethical reasoning, job displacement, pseudo emotional attachment that can limit authentic human connection, and misinformation that improperly applied can have negative effects.
My goal is not to argue the pros and cons of AI, but to draw a parallel to a similar phenomenon in stepfamilies: artificial vs authentic relationships. “Artificial” stepparent-stepchild relationships are those in which the parent attempts to 1) force the relationship between their child and the stepparent, 2) replace the biological parent with the stepparent, or 3) encourage stepparents to adopt authoritative parenting styles that are more appropriate for first marriage families, than stepfamilies.
Trying to force the relationship between the child and stepparent: This can happen when parents insist that children call their new spouse “mom” or “dad” or put pressure on children to accept the stepparent in a parenting role. Parents may also use guilt to manipulate the stepparent into spending more time with their stepchildren than their own children. When parents try to force the stepparent-stepchild relationship, they are likely to be met with resistance from one or both parties, hindering the very relationship they are hoping to create.
Trying to replace the biological parent with the stepparent: I’ve written about this in previous posts, so I’ll be brief here. Children need their biological parents and have a unique bond with them. Parents who attempt to replace the biological parent with the stepparent create a loyalty bind in their children. This is more likely to hinder the stepparent-stepchild bond than strengthen it.
Encouraging stepparents to adopt an authoritative parenting style: Yes, I did just write in the previous section that an authoritative parenting style is most likely to lead to favorable outcomes for children, but this is an example of why nuclear family models and counsel do not always apply to stepfamilies. High communication, involvement, boundaries, rules/consequences, and affection are ideal in a biological parent-child relationship with an existing bond. When a stepparent tries to do the same too early, it backfires.
Help
Parents help an authentic stepparent-stepchild bond to form when they:
Allow the relationship to unfold naturally at a pace set by the stepchild.
Create emotional safety and support for the child’s bond with their other biological parent.
Encourage their spouse to engage in affinity seeking (friendship forming), rather than stepping into an authoritative parenting role too early.
Be a Bridge Between Your Spouse and Children – Without Overfunctioning
On the other side of the spectrum from parents who pressure an artificial stepparent-stepchild relationship, are those who overfunction in the parental role out of fear and mistrust. This is especially common in families who have experienced trauma in former relationships. Parents may feel a strong responsibility to protect their children from further harm.
An interesting qualitative study (Weaver & Coleman, 2010)1 found that remarried mothers protected their children by gatekeeping, defending, mediating, and interpreting. The first two (gatekeeping, defending) can inhibit a healthy stepparent-stepchild relationship from forming, whereas the second two (mediating and interpreting), when practiced early in the blending process, can support it.
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Gatekeeper:
Parents limit stepparent’s involvement with their children.
Stepparents primarily function in a spouse role.
Remarried spouses may maintain separate households.
Parents do not seek or accept stepparent’s input on decisions regarding their children.
Defender:
Parents are hypervigilant in protecting their children from any perceived threat in their blended family (including stepsiblings and stepparents).
Parents intervene quickly on their child’s behalf when they sense a threat, rather than allowing the stepparent-stepchild or stepsiblings to work things out between themselves.
Parents criticize and undermine the stepparent in interactions with their children.
Both gatekeeping and defender behavior can imply a lack of trust in a spouse’s abilities and intentions toward their stepchildren. And, while biological parents should maintain the primary parental role in their children’s lives – especially when it comes to discipline – it would be difficult to assume a stepparent would not be impacted by behavior of children living in their home and frustrated by their lack of voice in the family. These parental practices not only create and sustain insider-outsider coalitions that can fracture the stepfamily and prevent a healthy stepparent-stepchild relationship but can be detrimental to the marriage as well.
Help
Mediator:
Parents mediate conflicts between stepchildren and stepparent.
Parents create emotional safety for both the stepchild and stepparent to express concerns about the other without becoming defensive.
Parents trust that their spouse wants what is best for their child, seek their input and accept their influence in parenting and household decisions.
Parents then communicate those decisions to their children.
Parents communicate respect for the stepparent and avoid undermining.
Parents facilitate affinity seeking by creating opportunities for healthy stepparent-stepchild connection.
Interpreter:
Parents create shared understanding between their spouse and children by interpreting or explaining behaviors.
Parents help their spouse and children understand the other’s intentions, needs, sensitivities, or expectations.
Often occurs hand-in-hand with mediating.
Parental mediating and interpreting can be particularly helpful early in the stepfamily integration process and during adolescence. These behaviors are generally welcomed by both stepchildren and stepparents and can support the establishment of a healthy relationship between the two.
However, it’s important to note that remaining in these roles indefinitely is not only stressful for the parent but can also lead to unnecessary triangulation in which the parent feels torn between their children and spouse. As conflicts decrease and the stepfamily integrates over time, the parent should gradually encourage the stepparent and stepchild to communicate directly with one another, and trust that their early mediating and interpreting efforts will bear fruit in a stronger stepparent-stepchild relationship.
4. Choose Equity Over Favoritism in Your Blended Family
Before discussing favoritism vs equity in blended families, it’s helpful to understand the difference between equity and equality. Equity in parenting/stepparenting considers children’s unique personalities, needs, developmental stage, and history, whereas equality attempts to treat every child exactly the same. Equity is generally more appropriate than equality in both parenting and stepparenting.
Similarly, equity is better than equality when a spouse balances the needs of the marriage with the needs of the children. Equality means allocating all resources (e.g., time, money, affection) equally, without consideration to the unique needs of the individuals and relationships. Equity, on the other hand, allocates these resources with sensitivity to those needs.
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Favoritism can show up in the way parents allocate time, money, and affection, as well as their responses to children’s behavior. Parents hinder the stepparent-stepchild bond when they:
Give their own children preferential treatment while treating their stepchildren unfairly.
Have different standards, expectations, and privileges for their own children as compared to their stepchildren.
Have harsher/more rigid rules and less latitude/grace in administering consequences to stepchildren.
Have less patience for stepchildren’s undesirable behavior than that of their own children.
As discussed in The Stepparenting Role, it’s unrealistic to expect parents to feel the same level of affection for, and attachment to, their stepchildren as they do their own children. While normal, preferential feelings become problematic when they result in preferential behaviors. Parents whose children are only with them part-time are particularly susceptible to favoring their children over stepchildren as they are often reluctant to do anything that might give their children reason to avoid their home. However, this can create emotional distance in both the stepparent-stepchild and marital relationships.
This leads me to the second way favoritism of biological children can become problematic in blended families: favoring the children over the spouse. Sometimes this happens when a parent feels a greater responsibility toward their parent role than that of spouse. Other times a parent finds the parent-child relationship to be more emotionally safe and rewarding than the marital or turns toward their children to escape the challenges of stepfamily life.
While a couple relationship may carry more risk and require more effort, prioritizing one’s children over one’s spouse not only puts significant strain on the marriage, but often causes the spouse to become resentful of their stepchildren. This, in turn, hinders the strength of a healthy stepparent-stepchild bond.
In 7 Mistakes Stepparents Make and How to Avoid Them, I addressed this concern from the vantage point of what the stepparent can do when feeling threatened by the parent-child bond. Here I am suggesting what the parent can do to mediate the stress on the stepparent/spouse.
Help
Parents can support the stepparent-stepchild relationship when they:
Counsel with their spouse to determine ways of allocating resources appropriately according to each child’s individual needs
Through couple and family councils, create equitable house rules that apply to all.
Implement parenting behaviors, rules, and consequences with consistency; if necessary explaining to children why decisions were made the way they were (e.g., why one child might have a later bedtime than another).
Conscientiously manage preferential feelings to avoid either artificial affection toward stepchildren or exclusive affection towards their own children.
Seek help for challenges in remarriage and/or stepfamily relationships, rather than turning toward their children and away from their spouse.
Summary
Parents can support the stepparent-stepchild bond as they maintain consistency in their parenting style and responsibilities, focus on authenticity in relationship dynamics, use mediating and interpreting behaviors to facilitate the connection between their spouse and children, and strive for equity in the family.
FAQ: Am I Really Being Overindulgent or Just Making Sure My Daughter Enjoys Her Time With Me?
Q: My wife says I’m way too indulgent with my daughter, but she lives in another state, and I don’t get to see her very often. The last thing I want to do is make her dread coming. Isn’t it more important that my daughter has a good time when she visits?
A: It’s hard to live apart from your child and not seeing them often because they live in a different state makes it even more painful. I admire your resolve to stay connected with your daughter and play an active role in her life. She needs you!
I recognize that because of these factors, it’s difficult for you to understand your wife’s concern that you might be overindulgent in your parenting. However, one of the beautiful things about blended families is that stepparents have a unique outside perspective from inside the family unit! From this vantage point, your wife might be able to see things that are obscured to you because you’re so close to them.
A few things that you might want to consider and discuss with your wife:
Your daughter does need you. But she needs you for much more than presents and a good time. She needs your example and integrity, your stability and structure, your morals and values, your instruction and counsel, and she needs to see how you treat your wife so she knows how she should be treated in an intimate relationship. Are you contributing in these important ways to your daughter’s upbringing?
How is your daughter responding to your indulgence? Is this serving her well? Will it continue to serve her well in the future? Are there potential ways that being indulged could cause problems down the road (e.g., feeling entitled, having unrealistic expectations for adult life, being ill-prepared for challenges)?
If you have stepchildren, do you treat them the same way as your daughter? If not, how might this impact your relationship with them, with your wife, and with the harmony in your home?
As you and your wife consider these points, you may want to discuss some small steps that you could take to move away from overindulgence toward a more authoritative parenting style? It’s wonderful that you love your daughter so much and desire her happiness. You can still do this as an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents are highly affectionate and listen to and counsel with their children, but they also have high standards, expectations, and clear boundaries and consequences for inappropriate behavior. They look at the big picture and take full accountability for assisting their children in becoming responsible, compassionate, confident, self-reliant adults… a task I am confident you are capable of achieving!
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Stepparenting can be challenging. Parents can support their spouse in building a healthy relationship with their stepchildren as they become aware of common mistakes and address them intentionally. Below are some questions for you to consider both in personal reflection and as a couple:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
What is your current parenting style? Is this ideal for your current situation?
How can you strive to support authentic stepparent-stepchild relationships and avoid artificial ones?
Is parental gatekeeping and/or defending a concern in your family? What are the underlying reasons for this behavior? How will you address these concerns in ways that support the stepparent-stepchild relationship?
How can you strive to create a home based on equity and avoid favoritism?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Would you like your parent's help when there is a conflict between you and your stepparent? How can they best help you?
Do you feel that all members of your blended family are treated fairly?
How do you think household rules and consequences should be decided in your blended family?
References
Weaver, S. E., & Coleman, M. (2010). Caught in the middle: Mothers in stepfamilies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27, 305-326.
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
