3 Communication Patterns That Damage Trust and Intimacy in Remarriage
Unhealthy communication is a major factor in relationship distress. In remarriage, when our energy is tied up in navigating complex family relationships and trust is just beginning to form, couples can quickly and easily descend into destructive patterns without awareness and some simple tools to help them choose a better way.
In the previous post: Unhealthy Communication in Remarriage, we explored three common communication habits that erode marital connection: assuming the worst, chronic negativity, and criticism. In this second article, we’ll examine three more serious patterns - apathy and indifference, secrecy and deceit, and contempt – and discuss ways to overcome them to strengthen trust and intimacy.
Apathy and Indifference: Emotional Disconnection in Remarriage
Although we may not initially define apathy and indifference as forms of communication, they speak volumes as our spouse can interpret our behavior as an indication that they are not worth our time and attention.
Apathy and indifference are shown when a spouse takes little or no interest in their partner’s world. Although some remarried couples may agree to refrain from involvement in each other’s children’s lives, when this extends to other aspects of their spouse’s world, there cannot be connection or intimacy.
Similarly, intimate connection is hindered when a spouse withdraws into their own hobbies, interests, and relationships, excluding their partner. Living separate lives under the same roof can lead to profound loneliness. There’s nothing that feels so solitary and isolating as sleeping alone – next to your spouse.
Stonewalling is another form of unhealthy communication that might be perceived as apathy or indifference. Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally and/or physically withdraws and refuses to engage in conversations - avoiding eye contact, remaining silent, or even walking away from their spouse when an attempt to communicate is made. Gottman’s research suggests that stonewalling is often the final step in negative communication spirals leading to divorce.
While it may seem that the stonewalling spouse is indifferent, this behavior can be the result of emotional flooding – when the disengaged spouse is so easily triggered that they become immediately physiologically overwhelmed. This is a sign of emotional distress. It can also occur when a spouse finally gives up after many attempts to connect are rejected.
It’s important to distinguish between a spouse who withdraws because they are emotionally overwhelmed and one who consistently communicates disinterest or disregard. Although both can leave a partner feeling disconnected, the underlying cause – and the appropriate response – may be very different.
Try This Instead: Step into Your Spouse’s World
Bids for connection can be verbal or non-verbal, but one of the common ways spouses seek connection is through talking. When couples turn to one another to share the highs and lows of life and regularly engage in positive, connecting conversations, intimacy deepens.
When your partner begins telling you about their day or a challenging experience or expresses an emotion they are having – interpret this as a bid for connection. This is time for you to put away any distractions and fully engage in active listening. Make eye contact and give verbal and non-verbal feedback that shows that you are hearing them. Listen with curiosity. What are you learning about your spouse that you may not have known before? You are being invited into their world, cherish the invitation.
If your spouse wants to vent about something that happened or is talking about something that is difficult or painful for them, it can be helpful to ask if they just want to be heard or if they want your input. If they simply need to talk and be heard, validate away, but no matter how tempting it may be to offer your advice or how obvious the solution may seem, refrain from stepping outside their request!
If you think this might be a struggle for you – especially if you’re a man - watch the YouTube video “It’s Not About the Nail.” You’ll get a good laugh…and an awesome illustration of the point I’m making.
Whether you’ve been married for 2 months or 20 years, there’s always more to discover about your spouse, especially because we are constantly changing and evolving. Look for dinner dialogue cards, questions for couples’ books, and games that encourage getting to know your partner. Seek to get beyond the superficial and the mundane. Do you know your partner’s hopes and dreams? What about their greatest fears? Do you know what they believe… and maybe what they doubt?
Date nights are a great opportunity to engage in these conversations. Take turns asking and listening. Learn how to respond in a way that encourages your partner to talk more (e.g., eye contact, asking open-ended questions that say, “tell me more”). These are opportunities to be deeply curious, so don’t rush it.
2. Secrecy and Deceit Undermine Trust in Remarriage
Getting to know our spouse often involves mutual disclosures and growing trust and connection. On the other hand, when we make important decisions without consulting our spouse, actively seek to hide - or fail to disclose - information, or engage in infidelity of any kind (including emotional infidelity), we undermine trust and intimate connection.
The same applies to answering questions with half-truths or purposefully misleading our spouse. Subtle forms of dishonesty can be particularly insidious as the dishonest spouse may rationalize their behavior believing they are “protecting” their partner, avoiding conflict, or maintaining personal autonomy (including the “right” to make financial decisions for oneself and one’s children without the input or knowledge of one’s spouse).
Personal autonomy is healthy and necessary. We all have the right to choose the level to which we will share our own thoughts, feelings, and personal information. But this is different from secrecy, which is intentionally hiding information that could be relevant to your spouse’s well-being and your life together, because you fear their reaction or judgment, or simply don’t wish to have their involvement.
Every secret or lie, regardless of how minor it may seem, creates a small crack in the foundation of your relationship. Over time, seemingly insignificant breaches build upon one another leading to an erosion of trust, emotional distance, resentment, and decreased conflict resilience.
Try This Instead: Communicate with Transparency
In his 2013 General Conference address, Marriage: Watch and Learn, Elder L. Whitney Clayton observed:
“In wonderful, happy marriages, husbands and wives treat each other as equal partners. … [They] make decisions unanimously, with each of them acting as a full participant and entitled to an equal voice and vote.”
He added:
“Where there is respect, there is also transparency, which is a key element of happy marriages. There are no secrets about relevant matters in marriages based on mutual respect and transparency. Husbands and wives make all decisions about finances together, and both have access to all information."
He further stated:
“Loyalty is a form of respect. Prophets teach that successful marriage partners are “fiercely loyal” to each other. …They never do or say anything that approaches the appearance of impropriety, either virtually or physically.”
We honor and respect our spouse when we choose full honesty and transparency.
While it is difficult to have open, honest conversations about touchy topics, it is better than undermining our partner’s trust by hiding and deceiving or making decisions without them.
Transparency doesn't require spouses to surrender their individuality or disclose every private thought. It’s also important to recognize that in many blended families, finances are handled differently than they are in first marriage families. However, transparency means being honest about matters that affect their marriage, their shared responsibilities, and the trust they are building together.
And, speaking of trust, infidelity of any kind destroys intimacy and trust. If you would behave differently with another person if your spouse was present, or if you feel that you need to hide or delete texts, emails, or other correspondence for fear of how your spouse would react, consider whether boundaries have been crossed. Inappropriate relationships often begin in seemingly innocent ways. However, if we recognize that we are justifying, rationalizing, or hiding our behavior, it is important to take the time to engage in honest personal reflection about what changes may need to be made.
3. Contempt in Marriage: A Serious Warning Sign
Webster’s 1828 Dictionary states that contempt is “one of the strongest expressions of a mean opinion which the language affords.”
Gottman’s research found that contempt is the most destructive of his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (or predictive signs of divorce). Contempt steps beyond complaints about specific behaviors and instead attacks the person by dehumanizing them through superiority and disgust. It includes disrespect, belittling, mocking, ridiculing, name-calling, and eye-rolling. Contempt is a form of hostility and hatred, and a direct attack on your spouse’s self-worth.
Contempt can be indicative of an abusive dynamic in the relationship, especially if it is accompanied with controlling and manipulative behaviors, gaslighting, and/or an imbalance of power. If any of these are present in your relationship, it is important to seek individual support from a professional who specializes in domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. Do not seek couple’s counseling for this type of relationship concern.
Try This Instead: Counteract Contempt with Compassion
How do we counteract contempt? Authors Patricia Love and Steven Stosny advocate for the power of compassion:
“Contrary to popular belief, the most important of all attachment emotions is not love, it's compassion. Compassion makes us sensitive to the individuality, depth, and vulnerability of loved ones. It makes us appreciate that they are different from us, with a separate set of experiences, a different temperament, and, of course, different vulnerabilities to fear and shame” (Love & Stosny, p.114).[1]
Whereas contempt dehumanizes another person, compassion evokes an emotional response to another’s humanity. When we have compassion for our spouse, we feel pain at the sight of their suffering. Compassion doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning healthy boundaries, however. It means recognizing our spouse's humanity and inherent worth, even when we disagree, feel hurt, or need to address serious problems.
Because of the serious nature of contempt, it is recommended that couples experiencing this unhealthy form of communication in their marriage seek professional help. It is recommended that individual help be sought rather than couple’s counseling due to the possibility of abuse being present in the relationship.
Contempt can be overcome and replaced with healthy, loving communication patterns that can restore connection and intimacy, but the contemptuous partner must first begin to see their spouse through the lens of compassion.
Summary
While assumptions, chronic negativity, and criticism can gradually erode connection, apathy, dishonesty, and contempt may cause serious damage to trust and intimacy. These patterns can be difficult to overcome, and professional support may be needed. Nevertheless, when both partners are willing to take responsibility and make meaningful changes, healthier communication and renewed connection are possible. Connection can replace apathy, transparency can replace secrecy, and compassion can replace contempt.
FAQ: How Much Should You Share with Your Spouse in Remarriage?
Q: In my first marriage, my wife and I discussed everything and made important decisions together. My wife died a year ago and I am remarrying soon. My adult children are not happy about the remarriage. They don’t dislike my fiancé but have expressed concerns about me including her in decisions regarding them and my finances. I want to respect both my children and my new wife. How is this best handled?
A: These situations can be tricky. Adult children, who are likely still grieving the loss of a beloved parent, often experience complex emotions, including confusion, anger, and concern at the prospect of their surviving parent remarrying and moving forward with their life with a new person with whom they have no attachment. Financial questions and concerns add to the complexity: Will our parent be taken advantage of? Will what we expected to be our inheritance be given to our parent’s new spouse (and possibly their children)? What will happen to the home where the memories of our deceased parent still live?
When we slow things down and take the time to listen, validate, and then choose to act in alignment with our values, we are better equipped to make decisions that are most appropriate even if all parties are not entirely satisfied. These are some ideas you might consider:
Be honest with your fiancé about your children’s concerns. Ask about her expectations regarding finances and the level of involvement she would like to have in decisions regarding your children. Be clear about your own expectations, desires, and concerns for your children and your marriage. Seek to find common ground and alignment in these important areas.
With your fiancé, read The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning, by Deal, Pettys, and Edwards.
Meet with a financial adviser to discuss how to protect your children’s inheritance while also providing for your new wife.
Create a “togetherness agreement” that outlines how finances will be handled in your remarriage.
Be sure that both your fiancé and your children understand how finances, as well as other decisions that affect them, will be handled.
Delay the marriage, if necessary, to give you time to have these important conversations and take the appropriate actions.
Be patient with your children and recognize their grief and the additional loss that your new marriage represents. As you and your new wife consistently act with integrity, patience, and respect, you can create an environment where trust and acceptance have an opportunity to grow—even if your children may need considerable time to adjust.
References
Love, P., & Stosny, S. (2007). How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Harmony Books.
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
