How to Strengthen Your Marriage in an LDS Blended Family (Part 2): Turning Toward Your Spouse
- Kiersten Wilson
- Aug 25
- 8 min read
My previous article focused on how to strengthen your LDS remarriage through the establishment of small and simple rituals of connection. Love is a choice and in marriage, we choose our spouse over and over again, answering in the affirmative their silent questions: “Do you see me?” “Am I important to you?” “Can I count on you?”
This post builds your foundation of emotional safety as you learn to respond to your spouse’s bids for connection, as well as come to understand the power of sacrifice and gratitude in your relationship.
What are Bids for Connection in Marriage?
Bids for connection are subtle ways our spouse lets us know they desire connection with us. There are many different ways our partners might invite us to connect. Here are a few examples:
Gratitude or encouragement, like sending a good luck text, or expressing gratitude for something you did, or just joy that you are their sweetheart.
Playful and flirty ways your spouse lets you know they’re interested in physical intimacy
Questions that attempt to initiate a conversation.
Moodiness that invites you to notice that they’ve had a hard day and are hoping you’ll ask about it.
You might ask, “If my spouse wants to talk about their bad day, why don’t they just tell me?” Bids for connection are often subtle because our spouse doesn’t want to fully expose themselves. The real underlying questions are: “Do you love me? Will you be there for me? Are you safe? Am I important to you?” Being fully transparent and vulnerable is scary, so the way we respond can make a big difference in how emotionally safe our spouse feels with us in the future.
How to Recognize and Respond to Your Spouse’s Bids for Connection
Because bids for connection tend to be less than obvious, spouses need to develop attunement to one another so they can pick up on the cues their partner is sending.
Attunement is the ability to recognize and understand a partner’s emotional state so we can respond appropriately.
Dr. John Gottman’s research suggests that partners respond in one of three ways to bids for connection: Turning Away, Turning Against, or Turning Toward.[1]
We turn toward our spouse’s bids when we recognize and acknowledge it and respond positively. We give them our full attention, recognizing the underlying motivation and responding to it.
We turn away from our partner’s bid for connection when we either ignore or miss it entirely. This can happen when we’re preoccupied with other things (like digital distractions) or caught up in our own thoughts and needs.
We turn against our partner’s bid for connection when we are critical or dismissive of their attempt to connect with us. This is a form of rejection of our spouse in a vulnerable state and can be quite detrimental to emotional safety.
Gottman found that couples in long-term happy marriages turned toward one another’s bids 86% of the time. On the other hand, couples who later divorced turned away or against bids for connection 67% of the time.
When one spouse's bids for connection are consistently ignored or met with criticism, they may eventually stop reaching out altogether. This emotional withdrawal is often not a sign that they no longer care—it is a form of self-protection. After enough disappointment, their heart begins to conclude, “It doesn’t feel safe to need.”
Turning toward our spouse’s bid for connection doesn’t mean you always have to comply fully with their request. It’s the awareness, correct understanding, and positive acknowledgment that matters most.
For example, if your partner gives you a hint that they are interested in making love, but you’ve got an early morning meeting and need sleep, you might hug your partner and say something along the lines of: “My body wants to make love, but my brain is reminding me that I have an early morning meeting and need to get some sleep. What do you say…Netflix tomorrow night?” And then follow through! Send your partner a flirty text the next morning and keep up the foreplay until the next evening.
As we develop the fine art of turning toward our spouse’s bids for connection, we create emotional safety, enhance a sense of closeness, and build intimacy in our relationship.
Why Sacrifice Deepens Emotional Connection
While it’s not always realistic – or even healthy – to comply with every one of our partner’s requests, a willingness to sacrifice is an essential component of strong successful marriages. This goes hand in hand with responding to our spouse’s bids for connection – enhancing their desire to be close to us as we let them know we’re a safe space.
I cannot emphasize enough how important this is in blended families when spouses are pulled between their partner and their children. We often come into stepfamilies with an additional level of vulnerability than exists in first marriages. When we sacrifice for our spouse, we communicate that we see them, that they matter to us, that they’re safe.
One of the simplest sacrifices we can make for the benefit of our marriages can be one of the most challenging in our tech-focused culture: putting down our phones to give our spouse our full attention. I have to admit; I’ve been tempted more than once to throw my busy senator-husband’s phone out the window. So, when he puts his phone down or turns off the TV when I come into the room, I feel like a queen – his queen.
Remember: Lack of attention leads to loss of connection
Dr. Dave Schramm
A willingness to sacrifice involves being attentive to our spouse’s needs and making them a priority, not out of obligation, but from a place of love and gratitude. It might involve small, thoughtful actions—adjusting our schedule to be present for something that matters to them, taking on a task they dislike, or simply staying up to talk when they need connection. This doesn’t require self-neglect – or neglect of our children - but rather communicates our commitment to nurturing the relationship.
How Gratitude Strengthens Emotional Connection in Marriage
President Nelson said, “Our degree of gratitude is a measure of our love for God.” [2] I believe this statement extends to gratitude being a measure of our love for our spouse. When we intentionally seek to see the good in our spouse and express that appreciation to our partner, we nurture connection.
Elder Uchtdorf focused his remarks on gratitude in his 2014 General Conference address. He suggested that rather than being grateful for specific things, we cultivate a disposition of gratitude.[3] Author Robert A. Emmons defined dispositional gratitude as “the tendency to be aware of blessings in life.”
In his book, Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier, Emmons expanded upon the benefits of developing dispositional gratitude:
“We have evidence that people who are high on dispositional gratitude … have better relationships, are more likely to protect and preserve those relationships, are more securely attached, and are less lonely. …Sigmund Freud wrote that the greatest fear in life is the fear of being alone and isolated... Our innate longing for belonging is strengthened when we experience and express heartfelt gratitude.” [4]
If dispositional gratitude doesn’t come naturally to you, you’re not alone. Most grateful people have intentionally chosen to develop gratitude practices. My former colleague and mentor, Dr. David Schramm, emphasizes the importance of gratitude in his book, Happy Hacks: 101 Science-Backed Ways to Boost Happiness, Reduce Stress, and Build a More Meaningful Life, and gives several great suggestions for developing greater gratitude. Amongst these ideas was the invitation to practice gratitude when life is hard.
I found this idea especially helpful in the early years of blending our family. I started a gratitude journal and wrote down something I appreciated about my husband every night before going to bed. Sometimes I shared my entries with him and expressed my gratitude out loud. I also kept a running list of qualities I admired and appreciated about him on my phone, as well as nice things he did for me. In times of frustration, I returned to that list as a reminder of how lucky I was to have this man as my eternal companion.
Whether you keep a gratitude journal, a list on your phone, or develop the habit of telling your spouse thanks daily for the things they do to make your life more joyful - the point is to become aware of your spouse’s positive attributes. As you begin to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, your connection will deepen and grow. Intentionally looking for the good helps us maintain an optimistic…and eternal… perspective in moments of stress and challenge.
Summary
Marriages are strengthened when we consistently turn toward our spouse by responding to their bids for connection, demonstrating a willingness to sacrifice for our spouse, and develop an attitude of gratitude.
FAQ
Q: My husband is a bit of an “Eeyore.” He has a hard time seeing the good in life and tends to focus on the negative more than the positive. If gratitude is so important in marriage (which I believe it is), how should I respond to his pessimistic outlook?
A: My answer might surprise you…but I think your husband’s pessimism can be a blessing with a slight shift in perspective. We are often attracted to people who are different from us in important ways. In marriage, the differences between partners can provide a balance that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
I’m assuming by the way you worded your question that you are naturally more optimistic and gratitude-oriented than your husband. This is wonderful and will serve your marriage well! And… your husband’s natural tendency towards pessimism can also serve your marriage and family well. He is probably more likely to anticipate problems and challenges, less likely to take risks, and more likely to set realistic expectations. This can be super helpful in blending a family!
Instead of trying to change your husband, or yourself, celebrate the balanced approach that can be achieved when you combine your individual personalities. Keep looking on the bright side of life and expressing gratitude whenever you can. This models hope and optimism that your husband may need. On the flip side, listen to your husband, and learn from his expressions of concern and caution.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Gratitude, sacrifice, and responding to bids for connection are important ways spouses can strengthen their marriage connection. The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and dialogue with your spouse as you seek to apply these principles in your own marriage:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Do you recognize subtle ways your spouse expresses their desire to connect with you? How do you respond most of the time?
Are there certain bids for connection to which you are more or less likely to respond positively? Why is this?
Develop your ability to recognize and respond positively to your spouse’s bids for connection. One way to heighten your awareness is to write down each time you think your spouse is trying to connect with you in a subtle way. Over time, you will likely come to recognize patterns that make it easier for you to turn towards your spouse’s desire to connect.
Discuss with your spouse how a willingness to sacrifice would enhance your marriage.
o What specific types of sacrifice are most meaningful to you?
o What specific types of sacrifice are most meaningful to your spouse?
o How will each of you make a willingness to sacrifice a regular habit in your relationship?
Does dispositional gratitude come naturally to you? If not, what is one small way you can begin developing an attitude of gratitude?.
References
Gottman J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Russell M. Nelson, Thanks Be to God, April 2012 General Conference
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Grateful in Any Circumstances, April 2014 General Conference
Emmons, R.A. (2007). Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Houghton Mifflin Company, p.44
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
