How to Navigate Threats to Connection in an LDS Remarriage
- Kiersten Wilson
- Aug 11
- 9 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
The complexities of living in a blended family can easily and quickly disrupt marital connection. Learn how to recognize threats to connection and protect your marriage.
Why Does My Spouse Refuse to Talk About Our Marriage Issues?
My husband and I weren’t far into our second marriage when I realized we were in trouble and that talking about it wasn’t working – at all. Some of the time, my attempts to communicate spurned an argument with no resolution, but more frequently, my husband would just shut down until I eventually gave up, and we both retreated to our corners.
It was about this time that I found the book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. A key premise of the book is that women have an underlying vulnerability to fear, and men have an underlying vulnerability to shame. They state:
The real reason the woman wants to talk about [the relationship] is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. (Love & Stosny, p.2).
These fundamental vulnerabilities trap couples in a fear-shame cycle which only serves to further their disconnection.
Although there are many reasons unhappy couples give to explain their relationship distress – with communication issues often topping the list - deeper exploration often reveals it is a lack of connection and the associated absence of emotional safety that is the real problem.
Love and Stosny wrote, “[couples] aren’t disconnected because they have poor communication; they have poor communication because they are disconnected” (Love & Stosny, p.5).
After nearly twenty years of remarriage and a career in family life education and coaching, I agree with Love and Stosny’s conclusion. The key to stronger communication is building a foundation of emotional safety and connection.
Marital Connection is Easily Threatened in Remarriage
If you haven’t tied the knot and are still in the throes of pre-marital bliss, you’re probably thinking that staying connected isn’t going to be an issue but pause for a moment to consider some logistical realities even first-married couples have to navigate, let alone accounting for the complexities of stepfamily life.
There are a number of factors that can easily and quickly disrupt connection in marriage. Fortunately, for each threat, there are protective measures that can be implemented to ensure a strong marital connection is created and maintained.
Using the Power of Resilience to Combat the Threat of High-Level Stress on Marital Connection
It is likely that you or your spouse has already experienced a significant degree of stress associated with divorce or death of a spouse, and that may be carried to some extent into your new marriage. You’ve probably also learned by now, that life is going to throw some curve balls. It’s likely you’ll face more at some point in your new life together.
Whether it’s stress related to custody battles, parenting issues, work-related concerns, financial strain, unexpected health challenges, or even exciting, planned events such as deciding to have an “we-baby,” stress is a common factor for all couples that can strain your marital connection.
In times of stress, employing resiliency strategies is key.
Family resilience is defined as the ability to “withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful.”[1]
Resiliency is not gritting your teeth and enduring adversity. It is not grit and willpower. It is not simply surviving, rather it is thriving in the midst of the challenge. True resiliency encompasses cycles of prevention, preparation, intentional responsiveness, and recovery.
But don’t wait until a stressful episode hits to develop resiliency. You’ll want to develop and integrate these skills into your marriage and family culture, so they become a natural part of daily living.
Recognizing the Threat of Low-Level Stress and Using Resiliency Strategies to Protect Marital Connection
Speaking of resilience in daily life, in addition to high-level stress from more significant events and challenges, remarried couples are often juggling responsibilities at work, in callings, and with children and extended family. Although normalized in our culture, being pulled in different directions and inundated with endless demands for our time and attention creates chronic low-level stress that over time wears down our personal reserves and gives us far less capacity to nourish our own health and wellbeing, let alone our marital connection.
Elder Richard G. Scott said: “Satan has a powerful tool to use against good people. … He would have good people fill life with so many ‘good things’ that there is not room for the essential ones.” [2]
As with high-level stress, proactively building resilience is the key to preventing emotional and mental overwhelm and protecting our ability to prioritize our relationship. One of the most important resiliency strategies for preventing chronic low-level stress is conducting a cost-benefit analysis of what you… and every member of your family… has on their plate. You may be surprised to find that the costs are outweighing the benefits.
“Today more of us in America than anywhere else in the world have the luxury of choice between simplicity and complication of life. And for the most part, we, who could choose simplicity, choose complication.” [3]
If you’re like many people who by necessity simplified their lives during the COVID pandemic, you may have discovered that what you thought was absolutely essential…well, wasn’t. You may have actually found you enjoyed the slower pace of life. Of course, none of us want to return to the unpredictability and isolation of that period in our shared history, but we can glean important lessons from it to apply to our lives today.
How Distance Grows in Remarriage and How to Protect Your Marriage Connection
Remarried couples may find themselves physically or emotionally distanced from their spouse. Whether intentional or unintentional, necessary or optional, separation can erode intimacy. For logistical or financial reasons, some remarried couples choose to maintain independent households. Others travel frequently for business, or to visit non-custodial children. The absence of shared daily routines and spontaneous moments diminishes opportunities for connection.
It is not always feasible to travel with your spouse but if it is an option for you, do all you can to make it a priority. When it’s not possible, find ways to maintain your connection (e.g., flirty texts, video calls, service for one another from a distance). Some couples continue their routine of praying and reading the scriptures together nightly – but over FaceTime or other forms of digital communication.
My husband and I have seasons of our marriage when business travel or legislative service frequently separate us. We have developed the habit of never going more than 24-hours without a phone call to talk about our day and just hear one another’s voice. This has helped us maintain our connection, especially during some challenging circumstances we faced while blending our family. And, of course, we never end a phone call without saying, “I love you.”
Beyond physical separation, technology has become an insidious source of emotional distance. Spouses may be in the same room, yet miles apart, as they independently scroll through social media or news feeds, consume hours of sporting events, or engage in Netflix binges or video games. These technological distractions are far from innocuous and prevent the focused attention and emotional attunement vital to a thriving marital bond.
If you haven’t already, set aside time to discuss how you each feel about technology and create shared understanding and agreement around how technology will be managed in your family. For example, you might want to declare certain times and spaces as tech-free zones (e.g., meal-time and bedrooms). You may also want to discuss tech manners and expectations, such as putting down your phone or turning off the TV to give your spouse your full attention when they are talking to you.
How Contention Easily Erupts in Blended Families and How to Protect Your Marital Connection
Under the pressures of stepfamily life, complaints and criticism can grow and become detrimental to marital connection. We must become aware of our tendency to blame and complain before it becomes a pattern of behavior. Taking ownership, apologizing, being patient and extending grace when we are annoyed and irritated can go a long way to protect marital connection.
Complaints and criticism are disruptive, but contempt can be lethal to marriage. One of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen,” contempt communicates disgust and moral superiority towards a partner. It includes hostile body language, verbal abuse, and disrespect with the intent to demean. Websters 1828 Dictionary says that contempt is “one of the strongest expressions of a mean opinion which the language affords.” If contempt is present in your relationship, it is important to address it immediately, and may require working with a therapist or relationship coach. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce.
In blended families, it’s not just marital contention that erodes the couple bond. Contention between other members of the stepfamily, as well as with former spouses can also influence the tone of the home and detrimentally impact the marriage.
Remember conflict doesn’t necessarily equate to contention. We will all have problems that arise that need to be addressed, but often the timing and setting of conversations matters as much as the content for maintaining couple connection while working to resolve concerns.
Family Life Educator, Dave Schramm, suggests remembering the acronym H.A.L.T. when deciding if now is a good time to talk about something that is potentially contentious. If you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired invest in some self-care before approaching your spouse.
How Marital Drift Happens and How to Prevent It
And, finally, we need to acknowledge one of the primary predecessors of divorce is marital drift – or simply not putting forth the energy and effort to maintain your connection. According to the Second Law of Thermodynamics, without energy being injected to maintain order, the natural tendency of the universe is chaos. Marriage operates on a similar principle. Unless you actively put energy into your relationship, it's bound to unravel. Without intentional effort to nurture your bond, you and your spouse can gradually drift apart.
Fortunately, there are many simple practices – or rituals of connection – that can easily be implemented in your relationship to prevent marital drift. Read How to Strengthen Your Marriage in an LDS Blended Family: Rituals of Connection for some great ideas!
FAQ
Q: I’m worried that my husband feels contempt for both me and my children. He can be very unkind and demeaning towards us. I recognize that he is carrying a lot of shame and pain from his childhood and his previous marriage, but his behavior is really hurting me and jeopardizing our whole family. I’m not sure if I can - or should - stay in this marriage, but the thought of another divorce is awful. What is your advice?
A: As pointed out in this article, contempt is often associated with divorce because of the very detrimental effects you are describing and living. Because contempt often walks hand-in-hand with other abusive behaviors, including the exertion of power and control, it’s critical that you seek professional help to understand your level of risk. Marriages can be saved if a controlling partner is willing to get help and change, but your first and foremost responsibility is to ensure the safety of you and your children.
If your husband’s contemptuous behavior is infrequent and if he recognizes it and apologizes, there is hope that working with a therapist or coach can be beneficial and that your marriage can be strengthened. However, if his behavior is frequent and accompanied by unrighteousness dominion, power, and control, please contact your local Domestic Violence shelter for help and resources. This power and control diagram can help you recognize and identify abusive behaviors.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Coparenting can be challenging post-divorce, but it is vital for the health and well-being of your children, as well as peace and harmony in your home, to do all you can to create a healthy coparenting relationship with your former spouse. The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and dialogue with your current spouse and/or children on this topic.
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Do you recognize some of the threats to marital connection outlined in this article in your relationship?
What resonated with you most?
If your marriage connection is strong, what steps are you prepared to take to protect your relationship from common threats outlined in the article?
How would you rate your personal and family resilience? Is this an area that needs some work?
What steps could you take to simplify your life?
References:
Walsh, 2011, p.149 (Quoted in Catherine Morriset Coaching for Family Resilience course notes).
Elder Richard G. Scott, First Things First, April 2001 General Conference
Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gifts from the Sea, p.26-27
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
