How to Strengthen Your Marriage in an LDS Blended Family: Rituals of Connection
Updated: Aug 29
Emotional connection doesn't usually disappear all at once. More often, it slowly fades beneath the pressures of parenting, work, church callings, former spouses, and the countless responsibilities that come with blending two families. Without intentional nurturance, a once strong emotional connection between partners can diminish. Learn how to rebuild and sustain marital connection through small and simple practices called rituals of connection.
Why Our Emotional Connection Can Suffer After Remarriage
When we’re dating, our romantic partner often takes top priority, but after marriage, it’s easy to unintentionally take that relationship for granted. This is especially true in the busyness and competing demands of stepfamily life.
Prioritizing our marriage means more than just carving out time—it’s about staying emotionally connected, making sure our spouse feels seen, heard, and valued through both our words and actions. When we do this, our partner knows that no one and nothing matters more. And while it may seem unrealistic given the complexity we may be facing, it’s the small and simple practices and everyday choices that consistently show our spouse they truly are our priority.
What Are Rituals of Connection?
Relationship experts John Gottman and Bill Doherty are both known for their use of the term rituals of connection. Rituals are sacred practices often associated with religious ceremonies. Religious rituals reinforce and renew commitment for one’s cherished beliefs. Similarly, rituals of connection are practices couples engage in out of sacred respect for their bond. These activities communicate that spouses are committed to and cherish one another.
Rituals of Connection: Practices couples engage in out of sacred respect for their bond. These intentional actions, which occur consistently throughout daily routines, communicate a couple’s commitment and devotion to one another.
As opposed to occasional grand gestures, rituals of connection are intentional actions that occur consistently throughout the couples’ daily routines and lives together. Over time, partners begin relying on these predictable moments of connection to refill their emotional reserves, reduce attachment anxiety, and strengthen trust.
Couples practice rituals of connection at key times in their daily routine and key moments in their daily lives. They also engage in equally consistent, but less frequent weekly, monthly, or annual rituals of connection.
How to Practice Daily Rituals of Connection
Natural daily connection points are upon waking, leaving the house, coming home, and going to bed. These opportunities to connect and express love and affection can look quite different from couple to couple.
Morning and Bedtime Rituals of Connection
For example, one couple may eat breakfast together and discuss the morning news. Another may pause in their morning routine of getting children off to school to give their partner a long hug and an “I love you” before they head out the door. I typically get up an hour or so before my husband, but I’ve timed my morning routine in such a way that when he is waking up, I’m at a good transition point to go into the bedroom to cuddle for a few minutes before we make the bed together.
Bedtime connection points also may look different. Some couples pray together before going to sleep, some like to read together, or cuddle and talk about their day.
Reconnecting After Work
When we reunite after being apart during the day is another important time to reconnect. Remarried couple, Jeff & Tammy Hill shared their ritual of connection on Tammy’s podcast, Live Your Why.[1] Sensitive to their children’s discomfort with their physical displays of affection, especially in the early years of their remarriage, they would take a 10-min break in their bedroom when coming home from their workday. Lying on their bed and talking before returning the household’s nightly routine, communicated deep reassurance and comfort of their commitment to one another… and it only took 10 minutes! That’s time well spent!
However daily rituals of connection look for you and your spouse, the important thing is to be intentional, consistent and make these connection points meaningful ways for both of you to give and receive love.
How Practicing Rituals of Connection Communicates Commitment During Conflict
Rituals of connection can be signs, symbols, or gestures a couple develops to communicate reassurance and emotional attunement during times of conflict or when the focus of a parent needs to be on a child.
Rituals of Connection During Conflict
You and your partner can agree in advance what signs or symbols you will use to communicate commitment during conflict. For example, you may agree that if one of you needs to take a break from the conversation, you will say, “I’m leaving the room, not the relationship,” or you might, after giving the “Time Out” sign with your hands, kiss your partner on the cheek before you leave the room for an agreed upon time.
Rituals of Connection Communicate Emotional Attunement When Attention Shifts to Children
In addition to marital conflict, parents often feel divided between their children and their spouse. Imagine a couple is talking and feeling connected when a child enters the room with what they feel is a crisis. In most cases, the parent will shift their attention from their spouse to their child, leaving their partner on the outside.
In these moments a small gesture might be the parent briefly making eye contact with their spouse and putting their hand on their heart. This communicates, “I love you and I need to turn my attention to my child for a moment.” Depending on the child’s developmental stage and the circumstances of the situation, the parent can determine whether it is best to deal with the matter immediately or communicate care for the child but let them know that they will need to wait until the conversation between the couple is complete.
Regular Couple Time is an Essential Ritual of Connection
It’s important for any married couple to get regular time alone, but it’s especially critical for remarried couples. In addition to your daily rituals of connection, plan weekly date nights and engage in mutually enjoyable activities like exercising, taking walks, or shared hobbies.
And planning vacations together will give you both something to look forward to. They don’t need to be expensive or long. They just need to be consistent and something that both partners will enjoy.
One couple I heard of recently takes an annual “honeymoon” and a monthly weekend trip. Private mini getaways can be camping, glamping, weekend trips, or even just an overnight or afternoon delight at home (on a kid-free weekend) or a local hotel. Even brief trips are an escape from the mundane and allow partners to fall in love all over again.
Bonus Tip: Every morning, thank God for your marriage and ask Him to help you fall in love with your spouse today. Every day presents a fresh opportunity to fall in love again.
Couples in strong marriages enjoy spending time together and when asked who their best friend is most often reply, “My spouse!” You’re going to spend Eternity with this person – do you enjoy being with them? Do you share common interests and activities? Do you laugh together? Are you the person they turn to when they need a listening ear? Prioritizing regular couple time builds your friendship… and your connection!
How to Use Monthly Marriage Meetings to Maintain Marital Connection
Family Councils can be held with the whole family, or can be between both parents and child, a biological parent and their children, an individual parent and child, or a couple. Monthly Marriage Meetings (an idea attributed to Dr. Bill Doherty) are an important type of Couple Council.
Set aside a regularly scheduled time once a month to counsel together on what’s working and what’s not; what we’re doing well and where we can improve. Use these meetings to make and assess progress toward goals and plans.
This is also a great time to run over the schedule for the upcoming month to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page, and nothing gets missed. My husband and I call this “calendaring,” and we to this day – even with no kids in the house – find it an essential form of communication.
Coming Up:
In addition to weaving rituals of connection into the fabric of our relationship, we also need to develop the skill of recognizing and consistently responding to our spouse’s bids for connection. We’ll discuss this and other powerful ways to nurture connection in How to Strengthen Your Marriage in an LDS Blended Family: The Power of Responding to Bids for Connection, Sacrifice, and Gratitude.
FAQ
Q: My wife and I have been married for less than a year and I already feel like we’ve lost our connection. She’s so consumed with her children and their needs that she has very little time or energy for me. How can I bring up the idea of creating rituals of connection when we’ve already drifted apart?
A: I’m sorry that you’re hurting. Feeling displaced by your stepchildren can lead to resentment and withdrawal. I’m glad to hear that you’re open to creating rituals of connection to reestablish your loving bond with your spouse.
Your approach is going to matter a great deal. Depending on the nature of your stepchildren’s needs, emotional and mental status, and developmental stage, your wife might be feeling just as overwhelmed as you are disconnected. Demanding more of her time and attention is likely to be met with resistance and frustration.
Instead, you might try one of more of the following ideas:
Seek to relieve her burden: Brainstorm some ways to take some of the burden off her shoulders. Acknowledge how hard she is working to meet the needs of her children and ask how you can be of the most help. This might be sharing more of the household tasks, filling her car with gas every week, being kinder and more patient with her children, or just listening and validating her struggle.
Begin with your side of the equation: Think of ways you can connect with her on a daily basis. Start small and don’t expect anything in return. The point is for you to reach out to your wife in loving, non-demanding, non-manipulative ways. Make it a point to always say, “I love you” before parting and before going to bed. Become aware of the things you appreciate about her and express your gratitude daily. Leave her a note or text her to let her know how much she means to you. Send her funny memes or videos to lighten her day. These are just a few ideas, but you’ll probably come up with the best ones!
Make a request: A request is different from a demand. Healthy, emotionally mature adults are able to make a request of their spouses and not fall apart if the request is not met. (This is hard for even emotionally mature people when their love tank is empty, by the way, so be patient with yourself if it doesn’t go well at first). Your request might sound something like, “Hey honey, I know how hard you’re working to make sure your kids are doing ok. You’re an amazing mom and wife. I’m grateful for you. I’m also missing you lately. How would you feel about scheduling a date night just for the two of us? I can make all the arrangements and even find someone to stay with the kids if you’d like. Would next Wednesday night work, or is there a better time for you?”
Be patient and adopt the long view: It sounds like you’re not only in one of the most difficult stages of parenting, but definitely one of the most challenging phases of blending a family. Figuring out how to balance parenting and marital responsibilities is hard work. Try to remember that this is just temporary and things will get better. It will take time, but your patience and compassion for your wife will create safety which will make it easier for her to rebuild your connection one day at a time.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Nurturing marital connection through small and simple practices is not only essential for marital satisfaction and longevity, but can be fun for both of you! The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and dialogue with your spouse on this topic.
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
What small and simple things are you already doing to nurture your marital connection?
As you read the article, what area of connection do you feel needs some work (daily rituals of connection, connection during conflict, couple time, marriage meetings)? Discuss this growth opportunity with your spouse and make a goal today for how you will strengthen this area of your marriage.
How can you make rituals of connection fun and meaningful for both you and your spouse?
Consider how to incorporate what you know about your spouse’s favorite “love language” (e.g., acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts) into your rituals of connection.
References
Hill, P. (Host). (2023, April 25). What’s Next for Life after BYU with Tammy and Jeff Hill (No. 82) [Audio podcast episode]. In Live Your Why
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
