Unhealthy Communication in Remarriage: 3 Common Patterns and How to Change Them
Updated: Oct 8
When asked the reason for marital dissatisfaction, most unhappily married couples report some form of communication concern. This article discusses three common communication patterns that erode connection and what you can do instead to nurture your LDS remarriage.
Assuming the Worst Convicts Your Spouse Without a Trial
Assuming the worst about our partner is a common type of unhealthy communication. We are conveying through our verbal and non-verbal behavior that they have perpetrated some crime against us. They have been tried and found guilty sometimes without even knowing what they have done wrong, let alone given a chance to defend themselves.
I saw this meme recently and although I laughed out loud, I’m also embarrassed to admit I’ve “been there, done that!” I may not have hit Chris with a pillow, but in the haze of half-awake / half-asleep, I was convinced that my dream was a sign that my husband was cheating, rather than my brain trying to process an unfounded fear that I was subconsciously feeding.
Our very helpful brains might be trying to keep us safe, but negative assumptions can feel just as real when we’re fully awake if we stop giving our spouse the benefit of the doubt.
Try This Instead: Challenge the Thought, Label the Story, or Self-Soothe
The next time you catch yourself making negative assumptions about your partner, you can try the following strategies:
Truth Test: Ask, “Do I absolutely know this is true? What factual evidence do I have that would hold up in court?” (Don’t worry – you’re not actually going to take this to court – I hope.) And, then ask, “What other possible explanation is there?”
Label the Story: Based on principles taught in Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), don’t give the thought any power by simply labeling the story: “Ahh. My brain is telling me the ‘my spouse is cheating on me’ story.” And then go on with your day.
Self-Soothe: Using skills found in the therapeutic modality of Internal Family Systems (IFS), spend a moment turning inward and with compassion and curiosity, seek to understand what your soul needs. Rather than dismissing or shaming your thoughts, recognize that they can be an invitation to learn about and from, to respond, and to heal your inner world.
2. Chronic Negativity Overshadows Love
There are many ways negativity creeps into our communication, often beginning with negative thoughts that work their way into our mouths. Frequent complaining, nagging, and pessimism cast a dark shadow over our relationship, influencing our spouse’s mood and their desire to be near us. This is true not only when our negativity is aimed at our spouse, but also when our stepchildren are the target.
We all have bad days, and we need not adopt a pseudo Pollyanna personality, but unless we are proactively looking for the positive and choosing to approach life through a more optimistic lens, chronic negativity can have a detrimental impact on marriage and family life.
Try This Instead: Practice Positivity
John Gottman’s research has found that stable, happy couples tended to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. He calls this the “Magic Ratio” because of its significance in predicting marital satisfaction and stability.
One way we can inject positivity in marital communication is through words of encouragement and support. Be your spouse’s greatest ally and cheerleader. Keep track of when they have something difficult coming up. Express words of encouragement, confidence, and affirmation. And, when they’re done, follow-up to find out how it went. If it went well – celebrate with them. If it didn’t, listen, soothe, and continue to speak words of encouragement and support.
Another way we can practice positivity is to intentionally choose to speak positively about our spouse to others. You don’t have to be braggy or arrogant, but you never want to engage in a conversation where your spouse’s name came up and the person you’re speaking with leaves with a negative impression of them.
In stepfamilies, this is especially important when talking to your children about their stepparent. When you choose how you will speak about your spouse, assume that they will hear what you say and you’re much more likely to speak in a way that builds rather than tears down.
As human beings, with protective neural instincts, we have built in negativity biases. This means that we have to be intentional about creating positive interactions – they won’t come naturally without effort. The good news is the more we practice positivity, the easier it will become.
3. Criticism Kills Connection
Criticism is a verbal attack on your spouse’s personality, character, or attributes. While both men and women criticize their partners, authors Patricia Love & Steven Stosny suggest that women are more prone to criticize their spouse than men, and that husbands tend to be more negatively impacted by spousal criticism than wives. They furthermore propose:
“If [a man has] been criticized over and over, he can hear criticism even in the most sincere praise. Once this rut gets that deep, it draws all thoughts into it. He may react defensively to a simple request or say no before he even thinks about what is being proposed (Love & Stosny, p. 41).”[1]
Try This Instead: Appreciate Instead of Denigrate
Gratitude counteracts criticism. “Catch” your spouse doing something you appreciate – and tell them – in the moment! Yes, that means saying thank you for the stuff that they’re “supposed to do anyway” – like telling your husband thanks for washing the dishes, even though it’s “his chore,” or thanking your wife for making dinner instead of taking it for granted that food appears on the table every night. These are just normal, everyday things we do in married life, but remember it takes intentionality to overcome our negativity bias. Express appreciation for what your spouse does well rather than criticizing them when they fall short.
In addition to expressions of appreciation, verbal expressions of love are critical. My husband grew up in a family that was uncomfortable with emotional displays. He never remembers hearing the actual words, “I love you”…never. He has been very intentional about changing this dynamic in his roles as father and husband. It is important to both of us to never end a phone call or leave one another’s presence without saying, “I love you.”
Summary
When spouses engage in unhealthy communication, connection suffers. Fortunately, there are many ways couples can strengthen their connection, and develop skills that allow them to navigate conflict and problem resolution without resorting to negative behaviors.
FAQ: Do We Need Professional Help for Me to Overcome the Effects of My Critical Father?
Q: My father was very critical of me, and I recognize that has made me particularly sensitive to interpreting anything my wife says as an attack. In response, I tend to either aggressively defend myself or shut down and withdraw. My wife is insisting that we see a marriage therapist or relationship coach, but I’m concerned that’s just a precursor to another divorce. I love my wife and want this marriage to work, but I feel backed into a corner. What should I do?
A: Connecting your father’s criticism with your sensitivity to your wife’s communication attempts is great self-awareness. The next step is gaining some skills to help you respond intentionally instead of reacting from a place of shame and self-protection. And, because there are always two sides to every pancake, I’m sure there are some tools your wife could add to her relationship toolbox, as well.
Relationship education/coaching and marital therapy are great places to learn these skills. But I understand your concern. It’s not unusual to be resistant to couple’s therapy or coaching, especially if you’ve had a previous negative experience with it or if you fear it will lead to divorce.
You could start by reading some books or exploring online resources. If you choose to go this route, it might be helpful to tell your wife what you are planning to do, and why (because you love her and want to improve your marital communication patterns). Ask for her patience and give yourself and her a specific timeframe within which you will read/explore and then apply what you learn. If it feels emotionally safe, share what you are learning and ask for her feedback. And be patient with yourself, too. It takes time to overcome unhelpful patterns, but with desire and effort, you can do it!
If you’re willing to try couple’s coaching or therapy, be sure to review potential practitioners and select someone with whom you both feel comfortable. Ideally, find a helping professional who specializes in blended families. While therapy/coaching focused on marital concerns is most effective when both partners participate, you might also consider looking for a personal coach or therapist that can help you process your past pain in an effective way. This does not mean you’re sick or broken, nor does it necessarily mean you need to take a deep dive into your past, including your relationship with your father. This is just an avenue that could help you achieve your goal of bringing your best self to the marriage.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Unhealthy communication patterns are common, but there are ways to change them. After reading the post, consider the following in personal reflection and/or in a conversation with your spouse:
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Did you recognize yourself in any of the three unhealthy communication patterns discussed in this article: assuming the worst, chronic negativity, or criticism? If so, what specific goal are you ready to make today to replace these patterns with healthier alternatives?
If the references to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS) piqued your interest, you might want to check out some books or other resources focused on those therapeutic modalities. For bonus points, read them with your spouse and discuss!
A few of my personal favorites are:
The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris
ACT with Love, by Russ Harris
You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships, by Richard C. Schwartz PhD
No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD
The Secure Soul, by Dr. Alison Cook (the author doesn’t reference IFS directly, but her philosophy is cohesive with the therapeutic modality, through a beautiful spiritual lens)
References
Love, P., & Stosny, S. (2007). How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Harmony Books.
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
