To Blend or to Be Blended… That Is the Question…

Why I Still Refer to our Family as “Blended”: A Reflective Essay

Editor’s Note:

I wrote this short essay years ago while wrestling with the stepfamily versus blended family terminology. While the writing style departs from my typical posts, I decided to share it because it still captures something I believe deeply about blended families: Healthy stepfamilies don’t create unity by erasing differences. They create unity when they preserve and honor the relationships and individual identities that each person brings into the family.

I should also note that I typically prefer the Webster’s 1828 Dictionary over modern-day dictionaries because of its inclusion of Christian and moral references, which often fit with what I’m seeking to understand when I look up the meaning of words. This essay is not an attempt at scholarly etymology, but simply a playful way of examining what healthy family integration looks like.

What’s So Bad About the Word Blended?

I find it intriguing that many who specialize in stepfamily education and research resist the term blended family in preference of stepfamily while at the same time many who are in these families favor the former over the latter. (In full disclosure I’m both a stepfamily educator/researcher and refer to my family as blended.) I’m also a dilettantish (look that one up if you dare) word-nerd so I decided to reference my Webster’s 1928 Dictionary to see if there was something fundamentally objectionable about the word blended. What I found might surprise you. It did me!

First, let’s look at what Webster’s has to say about the word blend:

Blend (v.t.): to mix or mingle together; hence to confound, so that the separate things mixed cannot be distinguished; to pollute by mixture; to spoil or corrupt; to blind

Hmmm… starting to see some logic behind resistance to the term. We definitely don’t want to “pollute, spoil, corrupt, or blind” our family. And I hope none of us would consider an ideal family one where all separate things are so mixed that they are no longer distinguishable from one another. This sounds more like dystopia than utopia! But my curiosity didn’t end there. What about the word confound that was included in the definition?

Confound (v.t.): literally, to pour or throw together; to mingle and blend different things, so that their forms or natures cannot be distinguished; to throw into disorder; to perplex; to abash; to make ashamed; to destroy; to overthrow

Quick summary: when we blend, we pollute, spoil, corrupt, blind, pour or throw together, throw into disorder, perplex, abash, shame, destroy, and overthrow! I’m now seriously reconsidering my preference of calling our clan a blended family, but stepfamily (and all its associated terms) has such a negative connotation. I always cringed when I was referred to as a stepmom (they’re all wicked, right?) and I remember the sad expression our youngest daughter had when she overheard me refer to her as my stepdaughter in a conversation with someone who didn’t know our family well. And, if we didn’t blend our family, then what exactly did we do when we all came together Brady-bunch style?

Stepfamily Integration: Is That Even a Thing?

I had heard the term stepfamily integration as an alternative way to describe this process, so I decided to look up the word integrate (as well as the words referenced in its definition):

Integrate: to renew; to restore; to perfect; to make a thing entire

Renew: restore to a former state, or to a good state; to rebuild; to repair; to re-establish; to revive; to begin again; to make new; to make fresh and vigorous; to regenerate

Restore: to heal; to cure; to repair; to rebuild; to revive; to resuscitate; to bring back to life; to renew or re-establish after interruption

Perfect: to finish or complete as to leave nothing wanting; to give to any thing all that is requisite to its nature and kind

Entire: whole; undivided; unbroken; complete in its parts; firm; solid; sure; fixed; unmingled; wholly devoted; firmly adherent; faithful; in full strength; unbroken

Wow! Isn’t that beautiful? All these words and their definitions, in the context of the stepfamily process left me feeling uplifted and empowered because they fit with the goals my husband and I believe God has planted in our hearts – to rebuild, repair, revive; to begin again; to heal. I especially loved the implications of the definition for perfect and entire: to finish or complete as to leave nothing wanting; to give to any [member of the family] all that is requisite to their [unique and divine] nature, that our family might be whole, complete in its parts - unbroken.

But I was no closer to resolving the dilemma of what to call our family. (I’m sorry, but I think all I would get is a blank stare if I proudly declared that we have an integrated family!) I still can’t wholly embrace stepfamily and how could I use the term blended now that I had a better sense of just how terrible the process of blending could be (think blades.)

Another Look at the Word Blended

Fortunately, I took a second look at the dictionary entry for the word blend and discovered one more tidbit of information that made all the difference. Next to the word was a tiny “v.t.” and as I scrolled down a little further, I saw another definition for blend that had not caught my eye earlier and this time the tiny initials that followed the word were “v.i.”! I’ll spare you the grammar lesson about the difference between transitive verb (v.t.) and an intransitive verb (v.i.). You’re welcome.

Suffice it to say, the definition of the intransitive verb blended differed from the transitive form:

Blend (i.v.): to be mixed; to be united

This doesn’t sound so awful, right? Mixed… united… let’s look a little closer:

Mixed: united in a promiscuous mass or compound; blended; joined; mingled; associated

Promiscuous (I knew you would ask): consisting of various kinds or different things

United: joined; made to agree; cemented; mixed; attached by growth

Well now, things are looking a little better for the term blended, as long as we’re referring to the intransitive form – the form that represents a state of being. I like the strength of diversity and individuality implied in the definition of mixed and loved the idea of “attached by growth” in the associated word united.

Why I Still Refer to Our Family as Blended

I think I may have stumbled upon a divine paradox. In our desire to create unity and oneness in our new family, we may push the “high” button on the blender – the likely results of which were previously noted. However, if we instead align our perspective with the goal of repairing, healing, renewing, rebuilding, and reviving, all the while honoring and even celebrating each unique aspect of our family and the extraordinary contributions of each individual within it, we may just discover that after a sufficient amount of time, we have what we hoped for – a blended family.

So, just in case you’re wondering, that’s why I still refer to our beautiful, perfectly imperfect family as blended!

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