How to Make Transitions Easier for Children After Divorce in an LDS Family
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jul 28
- 7 min read
Transition, or movement between homes and parents, becomes a normal part of life for children after divorce. But this doesn’t mean it is easy for them. Learn how to smooth transitions for children in LDS families after divorce.
Transitions are hard for all of us, but especially for children whose parents have divorced. In optimal circumstances, children transfer between two comfortable homes where they feel loved and secure, but even under these conditions, they are still leaving one parent and home behind as they switch to the other. And this doesn’t even take into consideration the other things and people they leave behind like their ward, friends, pets, and bedrooms.
For many reasons, most children express a longing for one home, with both parents. While you can’t fulfill that understandable desire, there are things you can do to ease the transitions for your children.
Help Children Move Between Homes with Short Goodbyes and Long Hellos
When you drop your children off, keep your goodbyes short and reassuring. Children should feel confident that you are ok with them leaving you and happy that they will have time with their other parent.
On the other side of the transition, give your children time to adjust before jumping into the family life routine, and try to create an expectation-free buffer zone, limiting as many activities as is reasonable. It can be tempting to plan something fun and exciting for them to do as soon as they arrive in your home. However, this can create pressure on your child and lead to frustration for you when they don’t respond the way you had hoped. Give them all the space and support they need to come to you when they’re ready. And when they do, be a safe, gentle landing space.
Help Children Adjust During Parent-Time Exchanges By Regulating Your Own Emotions
Whether dropping off or picking up, be loving and patient and don’t take your child’s moods personally. Remember they are carrying an emotional burden that is often much bigger than their developmental capacity.
Avoid using your children meet your own need for emotional validation. Some parents struggle with wanting reassurance that their children love and need them before or after they have been with their former spouse. But this puts undue pressure on children and makes the transition much harder.
Reduce Transition Stress with Patience and Good Planning
It’s hard for kids to remember all the things that need to be carried between homes. To make it easier, whenever feasible and practical, ensure that children have essentials, such as toiletries, clothing, shoes, etc. in both homes. And, while you want to encourage responsibility, keep in mind that it’s easy to forget your school bag or baseball gear when you’re emotionally flooded. You can help by creating checklists together, and being patient when things are forgotten.
Choosing the Best Custody Exchange Location After Divorce
“Location, location, location” isn’t just a great catchphrase for real estate! Where transitions take place can make a big difference for children. Your coparenting relationship type, legal parenting agreement, and your child’s needs are all factors that should be considered when determining the best location for drop-offs and pick-ups. Some parents are responsible for picking up and dropping off their children at their primary residence or at their non-custodial parent’s home. Others meet at a public location halfway between homes. Long-distance custody may necessitate transitions in airports.
Former spouses who maintain a collaborative coparenting relationship are often able to be flexible and adjust the location of transitions to accommodate variable schedules and needs. On the other hand, school may be the optimal location for children whose parents are parallel parenting due to an acrimonious relationship.
The important thing is to consider how the location meets the needs of the child, not just the convenience of the adults. Is there any awkwardness or embarrassment that could be mitigated in a different location? Is there a location that makes it easier on a child emotionally? Would a different location make it more likely that your child won’t forget something important?
How Healthy Coparenting Makes Moving Between Homes Easier for Children
As I discussed in Healthy Coparenting in an LDS Blended Family After Divorce, kids are hyper-aware of the emotional dynamics between their parents. Watch your body and verbal language, because the cues your children pick up on will have a tremendous effect on the level of anxiety they feel during transitions. If your child’s parent is late or forgets something, extend the grace you hope they would give to you.
Never Use Children to Carry Messages Between Homes
Exchanges can be emotionally charged for both you and your child, so keep communication with your coparent brief during transitions. And, although it might seem easier to have your child communicate with their other parent on your behalf, that is not their job. Communicate directly with your coparent through email, text, coparenting apps, or regular coparenting meetings. It takes more intentionality, but it’s worth the effort if it makes transitions easier for your child.
Summary
Based on a number of factors, including your children’s personalities and schedules, as well as the coparenting relationship and other dynamics related to your divorce, your children may experience more or less difficulties during transitions and parenting time exchanges. But you can take steps to help your children navigate these times with greater ease and less emotional and mental distress.
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FAQ
Q: What should I do if my child doesn’t want to come to my home during my parent visitation time? I’m worried that her mother is manipulating her and making her feel guilty for leaving. Do I force my daughter to come anyway?
A: This is a very complicated issue that can have serious emotional and legal ramifications. For that reason, it is important to consult with your attorney. My thoughts and recommendations are not a substitution for legal advice. With that disclaimer, here are a few points to consider as you decide how to handle this tricky situation:
Age: Transitions are difficult for children of any age, but there are certain stages that require extra parental sensitivity. Younger children may have a harder time leaving their primary custodial parent. Older children may resent leaving their friends, social life, and extra-curricular activities. As you think about your child’s age, consider if these factors could be playing a role.
Mental, emotional, and developmental needs: You know your child. Does she have a hard time with change, in general? Is she struggling right now mentally or emotionally? Is she at a developmental stage that involves a lot of additional change (e.g., puberty)? Are you equipped to meet these needs? If not, what can you do to ensure that they can be?
Former spouse dynamics: You also know your former spouse. As you mentioned in your question, you are concerned that your daughter’s mom might be manipulating her. Is this common behavior for her? Does she have mental or emotional needs that your daughter is expected to meet for her? Do your suspicions have good evidence and history behind them?
The other home: To the best of your knowledge, what is happening in the other home that might contribute to your child’s reticence to leave? Does your child have a new half sibling or one soon to arrive? Does your child feel a responsibility for her role in the home that she feels she would be neglecting if she leaves? Are there financial or other strains that are worrying your daughter?
What other information do you need to gather before making your decision? After taking all these factors (and others unique to your situation) into consideration, think about what might happen if you insisted that your parenting time be honored. Could there be any detrimental effects on your daughter’s emotional and mental wellbeing? How might this decision affect your relationship? Would it violate trust? How will you enforce your demand that the visitation schedule be met? Obviously, you cannot and should not physically force your child to come to your home, so how will this be accomplished?
On the other side of the argument, what potential benefits could come from adhering to the visitation schedule? Is this a boundary that needs to be established to prevent further manipulation? Could this take the burden of the decision off your daughter’s shoulders? We often give children the right to choose without realizing that the outcome of their choice also then becomes their responsibility.
And if you decided to allow your daughter to stay in her mother’s home instead of coming to yours, what potential benefits and costs might there be? Could this enhance your relationship? Does it show respect for her wishes, desires, needs, and priorities at this time in her life? Or does this make further manipulation (if that is truly what is happening) more likely in the future? Might that jeopardize your essential role in your daughter’s life? Please don’t ever doubt the importance of your role. With very few exceptions, children do best when they retain a loving bond with both of their parents after divorce.
In light of that, consider how you will nurture your child’s wellbeing, as well as your relationship with her, whichever direction you choose to take. How will you ensure that she does not carry the burden of the outcomes of this decision? How will you ensure that her needs are always placed first?
And, finally, take your concerns to the Lord. How blessed we are to have access to a loving Heavenly Father who understands the needs and hearts of all involved. Seek His guidance with humility and then move forward with faith.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Life after divorce can be challenging for all family members, but especially for children. Easing transitions is one tangible way that parents can help their children adjust to living in two homes. The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and dialogue with your children on this topic.
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
In what ways are you already making transitions easier for your child?
Where could you improve?
How are your children handling transitions? Are you aware of any discomfort or anxiety? How can this be addressed?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Transitions are times when we move between one place and another. Transitions for children after their parents divorce happen when they move between their parents homes.
How are these times for you?
Is there anything you wish could be different?
Is there anything that would make it easier for you?
Is there anything you wish you could tell either of your parents about these transition times?
What helps you the most when you move between your parents’ homes?
What makes it harder?
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
