Healthy Coparenting in an LDS Blended Family After Divorce
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jul 22
- 8 min read
The coparenting style you develop with your former partner is critical for the health and well-being of your child. Learn about common parenting styles, as well as how to create a Business Coparenting Relationship with your former spouse.
Why Conflict vs Cooperation is Critical in Coparenting
Many researchers in the field of family life science have created coparenting categories. One thing they all seem to have in common, however, is a measure of the degree of conflict vs. cooperation that exists between parents.
You may have heard the phrase: “Conflict kills kids.” Researchers consistently find that high levels of parental conflict negatively impact children emotionally, relationally, and psychologically. On the other hand, the lower the conflict, the more collaborative the parents can be as they continue to navigate their roles in their children’s lives. This has been shown to help both children and parents adjust post-divorce.
Ahrons Coparenting Types
Constance Ahrons, family life expert and author of the book, The Good Divorce, created five general coparenting types that are widely used by those working with families through divorce and stepfamily development.
Perfect Pals: Warm and friendly relationship after divorce
· Frequent communication
· Shared family events
· High cooperation
· Strong emotional connection
Cooperative Colleagues: Business-like relationship
· Communicate often about children
· Parenting partners
· Clear personal boundaries
· Avoid discussing private emotions or personal matters
· Attend events for children with minimal conflict or discomfort
Angry Associates: Difficulty letting go of anger for sake of children
· Communicate only when necessary
· Unresolved hurt, anger, or resentment
· Both attend events, but not without conflict, tension, and emotional strain
Fiery Foes: Highly acrimonious relationship
· High levels of conflict
· Little productive communication
· Mediators, attorneys, or courts often needed to resolve disagreements
· Parents remain involved with children but function independently
· Parents avoid one another whenever possible
· Children caught in the middle
Dissolved Duos: Coparenting relationship is absent
· One parent is largely absent or uninvolved in the child’s life
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting occurs when divorced parents remain involved in their children’s lives but parent largely independently because conflict levels are too high for close collaboration. This is common in Ahrons “Fiery Foes” coparenting category.
Many family and legal experts recommend parallel parenting temporarily, or even permanently, for divorced couples who are not able to manage their conflict for the benefit of their children. This may also be a recommended parenting style when one parent is particularly toxic or emotionally unstable.
How Coparenting Can Change Over Time
Coparenting relationships can, and often do, change over time. Some divorcing couples start out as Perfect Pals. While this can ease the transition, especially for kids, it may shift into a business coparenting relationship (Cooperative Colleagues) down the road. This often occurs when one of the parents remarries, as the new spouse may not be comfortable with the degree of closeness the coparents still share.
For other couples, the stress of divorce can increase conflict. Angry Associates or worse yet, Fiery Foes, find it difficult to manage their emotions around their former spouse. Because of this tension and the effect it has on children, it is often helpful to minimize face-to-face interactions as much as possible initially. Shifting communication to parenting apps and emails can increase self-awareness, slow reactivity, and assist coparents to develop more civil communication patterns. Many of these couples eventually become Cooperative Colleagues as they forgive, heal, and move forward with their individual lives.
How You Can Develop a Healthy Coparenting Relationship After Divorce
Whereas coparenting styles can change over the post-divorce years, establishing a business coparenting relationship from the beginning is more sustainable as it tends to strike a healthy balance that works for most families.
As you seek to develop this coparenting relationship with your former spouse, consider factors that would nurture or undermine a successful business:
Communicate clearly and regularly:
Just as regular staff meetings are essential for business operations to run smoothly, successful business coparents meet regularly to coordinate schedules, share important information and updates, and discuss concerns related to their children. Depending on your children’s ages and needs, you may find it best to schedule monthly or quarterly meetings. These can be held in person or virtually, but if in person, choose a neutral public location.
Children can, and should, be consulted about decisions that affect them, however, it is generally advisable that they are not present during coparenting meetings. There may be times that parents need to meet with a child together to discuss concerns specific to that child, but coparenting meetings are not the forum for that.
Have a fixed time limit and decide what you plan to discuss in advance. Then come prepared with your calendars and necessary information related to your topics. In addition to calendaring and discussing your children’s needs, coparenting meetings are a good setting for creating mutually agreed upon rules and expectations.
Schedule regular coparenting meetings and come prepared
Don’t micromanage:
No one enjoys having a boss that squashes our autonomy through control and micromanagement. Similarly insisting that our former spouse implement our rules in their home oversteps appropriate coparenting boundaries. While kids often do best when there is a degree of consistency, it is important that each parent release the desire to control what happens in the other home. Allow your coparent to have different approaches and rules for all but the most critical elements of your child’s life.
Remember, the parent with the kids is the parent in charge.
Don’t bash:
How would employee morale be if snarky remarks, back-biting, and disparaging comments were standard? Probably not good. The same thing is true in a coparenting relationship, but with even more dire consequences.
Children are very sensitive to subtle cues regarding their parents’ feelings toward one another – especially after divorce. Because children identify themselves as “part-mom” and “part-dad,” when you are critical of their parent, they feel this as an attack on their own identity.
Ironically, children often feel protective toward the criticized parent, even if the disparaging parent views themselves as the victim. Not only can this behavior damage your relationship with your child, but places a heavy burden on them.
In addition to watching your own tongue, encourage those in your family’s social circle to refrain from negative comments toward, or about, your child’s other parent.
Never speak unkindly to, or about, your child’s other parent in the presence of your child.
Keep to the schedule:
If appointments were regularly canceled, or clients were left waiting, business would suffer. Satisfied customers feel that their time is valued and respected. Similarly, good business coparents respect the agreed upon parenting time schedule and arrive on time for parent time transitions.
Parent plan modifications may occasionally be necessary for significant reasons, such as a change in work hours or a relocation, but shouldn’t happen regularly or without prior thoughtful discussion. Remember, children do best with consistency and predictability. With that in mind, it is also important to be flexible and make scheduling decisions in the best interest of the children.
Work your life around the parenting schedule rather than expecting your coparent and children to make accommodations for you.
Meet your financial obligations:
Successful businesses meet their financial obligations. You should too. It is interesting and significant that one of the questions during the temple recommend interview is whether we are current in meeting any “financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children.” This issue seems to be of particular interest to the Lord.
Fixed monthly obligations, such as child support, can be paid through automatic withdrawals. Payments that come at variable times and amounts (e.g., extracurricular fees, medical bills) should be paid as soon as a request is made. Additionally, create a paper trail by saving financial records (e.g., statements, bills, receipts) and providing your coparent with a copy.
And, finally, remember the slogan “the customer comes first.” In your business coparenting relationship, the customer is your child. They come first. If you ever feel frustrated when making a payment to your coparent, remember that the purpose is to benefit and bless your child.
Summary
Although coparenting styles can change as the family adjusts post-divorce, creating a healthy business coparenting relationship from the beginning is more easily sustained in the long run. Clear and regular communication, refraining from unkindness, respecting agreed upon schedules, and meeting financial obligations are good practices for businesses and Business Coparents alike.
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FAQ
Q: I would love to have a positive, healthy coparenting relationship, but my former spouse is angry and toxic. How do I manage this?
A: I recognize that it can be difficult to coparent well with a toxic or unstable former partner and that these suggestions may have frustrated you. It might seem unfair for you to take the high road when they won’t. Hopefully it will help to remember that all the suggestions in this post are based upon research about what leads to the best possible outcomes for children whose parents divorce.
When you are angry or frustrated with your former spouse, try to focus on who sits at the center line between the two of you – your child. While you can’t control your coparent’s behavior, managing your own can influence theirs, and model for your child at least one side of a healthy relationship dynamic.
The guidelines for creating a business coparenting relationship still apply even if they are only present on one side of the relationship. However, you may need to make certain adjustments. For example, it is unlikely that you will be able to have collaborative coparenting meetings. Instead, it may be necessary to limit face-to-face interactions (even virtual meetings may not be appropriate). You may need to schedule a bi-annual meeting with a mediator to discuss major topics pertaining to your children, and use coparenting apps that monitor tone and meaning for communicating on less important matters. Sometimes these are court-ordered as they help Angry Associates and Fiery Foes to adopt more respectful language in their dialogue.
Along with limiting face-to-face interactions for communication purposes, it may be advisable to arrange parent-time transitions from a neutral location, such as your child’s school. This will also require more planning, intentionality, and nurturing to ensure that your child feels your reassurance that it’s ok to leave you behind.
I hope it goes without saying, but this advice is not applicable if your former spouse is a danger to you or your children. Please do not ignore serious red flags of control or abuse, and seek help from professionals in both the legal and domestic violence fields to ensure your safety and the safety of your children.
How to Apply These Principles in Your LDS Stepfamily
Coparenting can be challenging post-divorce, but it is vital for the health and well-being of your children, as well as peace and harmony in your home, to do all you can to create a healthy coparenting relationship with your former spouse. The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and dialogue with your current spouse and/or children on this topic.
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
What type of coparenting relationship do you currently have with your former spouse? Is there room for improvement?
As you read the list of suggestions of how to create a Business Coparenting Relationship, what stood out to you? Is there a specific area you could improve?
If you have remarried, how does your current spouse feel about your coparenting relationship? How can you work together to ensure you have a healthy coparenting relationship?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
The relationship parents have with one another after divorce is called “coparenting.” It’s important for coparents to get along and work well together for the sake of their children, as well as their own personal peace. How do you think your parents are doing? Is there anything you think they might do better?
How do you feel when your parents are together at your events? You might feel happy that they’re both there to support you, or you could feel anxious, worried, sad, or confused. Maybe other emotions come up. Can you talk with your parent about what it is like for you?
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
