Finding Hope in LDS Blended Families
- Kiersten Wilson
- Jun 19
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 22
Every LDS stepfamily begins with some form of loss. Learn how to rebuild hope after divorce, apply The Family Proclamation to blended families, and strengthen your home and remarriage.
Rachel’s* Story
I did everything I was taught would lead to happiness: BYU, temple marriage, a returned missionary husband. But soon after our wedding, I felt my “happily ever after” begin to unravel. I held on though, because, in my mind, only failures got divorces after being married in the temple. Eleven years and three children later, the issues became a matter of safety for me and my children that I could no longer ignore. I walked away from my dream of a “perfect” family, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Over time, and with the Savior’s help, my wounds began to heal. Hope came from releasing my distorted definition of perfection. I discovered that I was worthy of love and could experience happiness, even though the life I had once defined as “perfect” was no longer possible.
When I remarried a few years after my divorce, I felt a sense of relief that I had another shot at the family I had dreamed of. But that illusion ended pretty quickly. I’ve come to understand that stepfamilies are not the same thing as first-marriage families. Still, our family has grown together and built a deeper kind of love. A love forged through struggle and choosing one another over and over again. Now, after 17 years of marriage, our kids are all raised, and we are having so much fun. Although we don’t fit the picture I had in my head when I was in Young Women’s, I do have an eternal marriage and a beautiful family. And I know the joy that comes from anchoring hope in Christ rather than in perfection.
*Name changed to protect privacy
What Does Hope Look Like in an LDS Stepfamily?
It has been said that “[remarriage] is the triumph of hope over experience.”[1] Hope is an essential virtue for successful stepfamilies. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we often speak of hope in concert with faith and charity, but of the three, hope is often the least understood.
Webster’s 1828 Dictionary defines hope as:
“A desire of some good, accompanied with at least a slight expectation of obtaining it, or a belief that it is obtainable.”
The definition of “hope” on the Church’s website enhances our understanding. It states that:
“hope is the confident expectation of and longing for…promised blessings.”
The scriptures tell us that “hope is sure, unwavering, and active.” In Ether 12:4, we read that:
“hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”
When hope for peace, unity, and healing within our family is anchored in our faith in Jesus Christ, it motivates us to “abound in good works.” It enables us to maintain an eternal perspective, as we view our life, trials, and family members through God's eyes, trusting that all is woven into a divine design that will ultimately “work together for our good” (Romans 8:28).
What is Hope in an LDS Stepfamily?
Hope in an LDS stepfamily is a confident expectation that, through faith in Jesus Christ, promised blessings of peace, unity, and healing can come despite loss from divorce, death, and dreams.
Does The Family Proclamation Apply to Stepfamilies?
It can be hard to hold onto hope in the face of loss. Every stepfamily begins with some form of it—through divorce, death or - like Rachel - the loss of what we believed a family was supposed to be. This can be particularly difficult for members of a family-centric faith like The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The first paragraph of The Family Proclamation reads: “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and…the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Some individuals may feel a sense of discomfort, sadness, or confusion when The Family Proclamation is referenced. They might wonder how – or even if – this beautiful and inspired document applies to them and their family.
What Elder Gong Said About Divorce and Marital Status
However, there is a growing recognition within the Church that the ideal described in our Sunday lessons is not the reality for many members. Elder Gong spoke of this in the April 2021 General Conference, stating:
The majority of adult Church members are now unmarried, widowed, or divorced. This is a significant change. It includes more than half of our Relief Society sisters and more than half our adult priesthood brothers. This demographic pattern has been the case in the worldwide church since 1992 and in the Church in the United States and Canada since 2019. Our standing before the Lord and in His Church is not a matter of marital status but of our becoming faithful and valiant disciples of Jesus Christ.
Elder Gong’s message reassures that there is a place for all in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and opportunities to grow in discipleship abound in stepfamilies.
Embrace the Beauty of Your Unique LDS Stepfamily
Although your family will look and function differently, you can nevertheless hold onto the hope-filled belief that your “marriage is ordained of God and…[your] family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”[2] Embracing the beauty of your family’s uniqueness is one of the most important things you can do!
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FAQ
Q: I didn’t think I could find happiness again when my first wife died two years ago, but then I met my Emily and fell in love. We got married earlier this year, and while we are full of hope for our blended family, I’m not sure my oldest daughter (age 11) shares the sentiment. My boys (ages 7, 5, and 3) seem to be adjusting well, but my daughter has become increasingly withdrawn and disrespectful to Emily. I’m confused because I thought she and Emily had bonded. She’s the only girl, so Emily has taken her out for shopping trips and pedicures and other “girly stuff,” which I have appreciated. Emily is handling it like a champ, but I know my daughter’s behavior is hurting her. I’m not sure what to do.
A: You’ve got a few factors working against you here, but fortunately, they’re all normal and can be successfully navigated with patience, compassion…and time. But before I dive into that, let’s take a moment to highlight what I see as your strengths.
It sounds like Emily is doing a great job in what we call “affinity seeking,” which is when a stepparent builds a friendship with their stepchild by doing things they enjoy. This is really important in the early stepfamily years. And I’m happy to hear that Emily, although understandably hurt, is still responding well to your daughter’s change of behavior.
I also want to point out that I’m impressed that you’ve reached out for advice. That shows that you’re aware of what’s going on with your children and family dynamics and want to make things better. Some custodial dads are so relieved to have someone in the home taking care of the kids that they focus on their employment and “check out” of home responsibilities. So, kudos to you, as well as Emily.
Now onto the factors that might be contributing to your daughter’s shift in behavior. First consider your daughter’s age and gender. Statistically speaking, girls tend to have a harder time than boys adjusting in blended families. And 11-14 is typically the most difficult age range for girls in normal development (think emotional and physical changes due to hormones, middle school transitions and friend drama, and identity formation to name a few).
Add to the expected emotional shifts that come with puberty the fact that it is not unusual for children who have lost their previous family through divorce or death of a parent to feel complex and conflicting feelings when their parent remarries. While they may want their parent to be happy, the marriage and presence of another person in the home can cause a child’s pain and sense of loss to resurface. While your daughter may genuinely like Emily, it might feel that she is replacing her mom. Even when a parent has passed away, this dynamic still creates a loyalty conflict in a child’s heart.
Children are often hesitant to talk to their parent about these feelings because they really do want you to be happy. Unfortunately, burying their feelings can lead to them to become withdrawn and/or to act out in ways that feel less vulnerable – like the anger and disrespect you’re seeing.
Now is the time for you to step forward and create a safe space for your daughter to talk about her feelings. Be sensitive and don’t push her to talk before she’s ready, but let her know that you love her and you want to understand what she’s experiencing. If you’re worried about how to do this or whether your daughter will respond well, I encourage you to meet with a therapist or relationship coach who specializes in blended families. They can guide you through the process, as well as create the safety for you both to have meaningful conversations. It might also be helpful to invite your daughter to talk with a trusted family member, if she’s willing.
While Emily’s affinity seeking is important and should continue, encourage her to take her cues from your daughter and not push for more engagement than your daughter is comfortable with. Validate Emily’s hurt and let her know that you appreciate and support her. Eventually her gentle and consistent efforts to connect with your daughter will pay off.
And, finally, be especially aware of warning signs of more serious concerns such as depression. Watch for increased intensity in her moods (sadness, irritability), expressions of guilt or feelings of worthlessness, withdrawal from friends and other family members with whom she is usually close, and physical symptoms such as changes in her appetite/weight, sleep, or health (headaches, stomachaches, unexplained pain).
Ways to Nurture Hope in LDS Stepfamilies
Maintaining hope after divorce and remarriage can be challenging. The following prompts can guide your personal reflection and conversations with your spouse and children.
Personal Reflection and Couple’s Conversations:
Does the proverb, “remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience” resonate with you? In what way?
How do you define hope?
Why do you think hope is an essential virtue for successful stepfamilies?
What are your hopes and fervent desires for your marriage and family?
Do you know what hopes and desires your children have for your family? Are they similar to yours or different? Why might that be?
What are your feelings about The Family Proclamation? Do you feel this document applies to your family? Why or why not?
Some individuals find it difficult to feel hopeful because of past trauma and other painful experiences. If this is true for you, be honest with your partner about your feelings. Discuss ways that you might regain hope for a brighter future.
How does anchoring your hope in the Savior increase your belief that your desires will come to pass?
What does anchoring your hope in the Savior look like in practice?
For Children in Stepfamilies:
Depending on individual circumstances, these suggestions may be best between biological parent and child/ren. Remember to be open, curious, and compassionate when discussing sensitive topics with your children.
Ask your children what hopes and desires they have for their family.
Very young children can express their hopes and wishes for their family through pictures. Have them tell you what is happening in the picture. Refrain from defining what you mean by “family.”
Read The Family Proclamation together. Ask your children if they feel it applies to their family. Why or why not? Be open and supportive in having a discussion with them about aspects of the Proclamation that concern them or don’t seem to fit their family. Prayerfully invite the Spirit to guide your answers. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know, but let’s find out together.”
If you’re ready to apply these principles but aren’t sure where to start, book a free 15–30 minute Discovery Call to talk through your unique challenges and explore how coaching can support your family’s journey toward unity.
References
This quote has been attributed to Samuel Johnson (https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/hope-over-experience.html ) as recorded in the book, Life of Samuel Johnson, written by James Boswell in 1791.
The Family Proclamation (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng)
